
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/991678.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Graphic_Depictions_Of_Violence, Underage
  Category:
      M/M
  Fandom:
      Twilight_(Movies)
  Relationship:
      Jacob/Edward
  Character:
      Jacob_Black, Edward_Cullen
  Additional Tags:
      Angst_and_Porn
  Stats:
      Published: 2013-10-05 Updated: 2013-10-17 Chapters: 10/37 Words: 41421
****** Taming Edward ******
by Lineia
Summary
     Independent sequel to 'Domesticating Jacob' - about a decade and a
     half later; Jacob and Edward are set in their grown-up lives when an
     unexpected meeting occurs - old feelings will be stirred up, old
     wounds re-opened; what happens then ? Jake/Edward - Warnings Inside
Notes
     TAMING EDWARD
     Disclaimer: The characters belong to Stephanie Meyer, although the
     storyline is mine. I reserve all copy rights.
     WARNINGS: This story will contain ROUGH and GRAPHIC GAY SEX, BDSM
     (BONDAGE, DOMINATION AND SADOMASOCHISM), major D/s (DOMINATION/
     SUBMISSION), VIOLENCE, elements of DUBIOUS CONSENT, bordering on NON-
     CONSENSUAL ! PLEASE LEAVE THIS PAGE RIGHT AWAY IF THIS ISN'T YOUR
     THING !
     Foreword: Well, here we go again ! As most of you will know, this is
     the sequel to 'Domesticating Jacob', although I will call it an
     independent sequel; in other words you do not need to have read the
     prequel to understand the story. For those of you who have read the
     prequel, you might find some inconsistencies (mainly you'll find that
     some characters have disappeared, some have mysteriously turned gay,
     some have appeared, and some will be quite different). This story
     happens roughly sixteen years after 'Domesticating Jacob'.
     I know some of you will be very disappointed by this announcement, so
     I am very sorry to say that there will not necessarily be an update
     schedule for this story. I will try to post once a week, but I can't
     promise anything. I am starting my final year in University, which
     will take a lot of my time. I will do the best I can, that's all I
     can promise. To avoid having to stress and rush this story, I will
     therefore not always tell you when the following chapter is coming
     up. Again, I will try for one chapter between each Monday to Sunday,
     but no promises. I'll let you know in Author's Notes or on my
     Facebook page how things are going, that's the best I can do. As a
     general rule, I'll only announce the update date if I have the
     chapter in my hands, ready to be posted.
     For updates, teasers, spoilers, questions and answers, please follow
     my Facebook page ! You'll find a link on my fanfiction profile. Feel
     free to add my account ('Dom Lineia') ! I'll be waiting for you on
     Facebook ! As usual, I'll be eagerly awaiting reviews and comments !
     Critics are very welcome as long as it's argued and constructive !
     Let me also take a second to thank my formidable beta, Angel. She
     finally allowed me to thank her publicly, so thank you to my
     favourite English teacher !
     Enjoy,
     Lineia
***** Routine Disruption *****
1. Routine Disruption
A worn-out, old-looking man was scowling at me in the mirror. There were a
couple stray white hairs at his temples, sprinkling the jet black hair with
specks of silver. The bags under his eyes seemed set in stone, as though they
had slowly solidified after countless sleepless nights. A rebel wrinkle was
fighting its way onto the brow, but the worst was the scowl.
I tried smiling, but the man simply grimaced in the mirror. The scowl too, must
have solidified….
A few days' worth of stubble was staining the jaw, and I deftly set to spread
the gel mousse all over my face. Years of experience allowed me to quickly
shave the very short spiky hair that had started to grow. Soon I was looking at
the man again, who seemed to have gotten a couple years younger. Now he looked
thirty-six again.
Thirty-six… at thirty-four, I had still considered myself young with a long,
colourful future ahead of me. Life seemed considerably riper on this side of
thirty-five… not that I considered myself old; but aging did put certain things
into perspective.
More than 'certain things' actually, it put my whole life under scrutiny, as
though someone had taken out a brightly lit microscope and had decided to
examine the darkest corners of it. Ironically, the observation got excruciating
detailed when it came to the moments that made me wish I could suffer some sort
of selective long-term memory loss.
"Hon, your breakfast is ready!" The voice shouted from the kitchen.
Speak of the devil… mistake number one, allowing my partner to prepare
breakfast and pretending to like it. I now had to force down runny porridge
every morning because I was too much of a coward to tell the truth as it was;
even if I had a dog I wouldn't dream of trying to feed him that.
I sighed. Actually, mistake number one was probably to marry my partner…
stinging memories of infidelity plagued me and marred our marriage. I still
couldn't believe that I had been cuckold and that we both were acting as though
nothing had ever happened.
I braced my hands on the sink and stared at my reflection, letting the scowl
deepen. My brow was so often wrinkled in worry, stress or irritation that I
would get shrivelled up well before my time….
"Jake, love, you're going to be late!" Came the second call.
I rolled my eyes, 'love,' really? Who were we kidding? There wasn't a single
trace of love any longer. I sometimes wondered if there had actually been any
at first, but I always came to the same conclusion; yes, we had been in love.
My eyes travelled down the length of my arm, first stopping at the golden chain
at my wrist before carrying on to the golden ring at my finger.
Two tokens of love, not belonging there any longer. I was filled with the now
usual desire to fling the ring into the mirror, before remembering why it was
still there.
I took a steadying breath. We were trying to work things out. We were trying to
work on the marriage. My partner was doing the best possible to make me happy,
probably to atone for past mistakes.
I shook my head, if only my other half was aware that I knew about the
indiscretion. There would probably be a lot of grovelling, a lot of arguing,
and a lot of sour thinking. Not that we needed such revelations to produce
sparks; grovelling, arguing and sour thinking were our near-daily tribute. But,
no, I had kept the knowledge of her infidelity to myself, not caring enough to
even argue that point. The unfaithfulness had not affected me in the least
which was the only thing that did trouble me; my apathetic response to anything
relating to my wife and my life.
It wasn't as though leaving the house to go to work was a blessing either. CEO
of Black's Energies wasn't exactly as relaxing as a stroll through the park. It
really wasn't what I had imagined for myself as a teenager, and if I were
completely honest, it wasn't what I imagined for myself in ten years' time
either.
Well, if I did face the truth, I had to admit this wasn't the life I wanted.
None of it was, neither the unsuccessful marriage, nor the responsibilities at
work, not even the heaps of cash stored in my different bank accounts.
Money, success and a wife was what society expected anyone would want. So
that's what I got for myself, thinking that, at least if I weren't happy, no
one would suspect I wasn't. And more importantly, no one would suspect what I
really wanted for myself. To continue on the streak of honesty though, I wasn't
even sure what I wanted for myself any longer.
There had been a time when I thought I had found myself and what really made me
happy, but fifteen years of this bore of a life had changed all that.
How to be happy when you didn't know what did make you happy? Well, I guess
that was the question….
"Jake, coffee's getting cold!" The voice was becoming insistent.
I groaned and grumbled, "Coming!" Coffee... I wouldn't say that was another one
of my mistakes. Well, maybe it was, I don't know, all I do know is that I felt
like I had done all I could. The truth was that I hated coffee. Still, every
morning there would be a steaming cup next to the watery porridge standing
alone on the black mahogany dinner table. After a few months trying to get my
wife to understand that coffee was not for me, I gave up. The cup would be
there every morning either way. So now I sipped a little of the scalding
beverage; which did have the advantage of burning my taste buds, rendering the
porridge absolutely tasteless. Or maybe it was the horribly bitter taste that
swamped everything else...
I left the designer bathroom, striding past the designer bedroom and designer
living room, before reaching the designer kitchen. Now that I thought about it,
the whole house was more like a giant hotel than an actual home. Everything was
made of fine wood, polished marble or trendy steel. Any sign of people's lives
was promptly erased. Broken-in and comfy couches or armchairs were replaced in
the snap of a finger with the most elegant and uncomfortable ones. Stains were
bleached away and pictures were considered stains. The bathroom frequently
smelled of bleach, if it wasn't one of my dear wife's expensive perfumes.
I ploughed through my breakfast, as my wife babbled on sitting in the chair
opposite mine. A couple hummings generally kept her convinced that there was
nothing more important than listening to her droning on insistently with
whatever it was she was talking about. Actually, it had been quite a while
since I actually listened to what she was speaking about... probably some
furniture that needed replacing, her latest find to use up all of my savings or
a new subtle way to convince me to have children. I had to suppress a shiver;
if there was anything I was going to fight to the death for, it was that I
would never ever have children with her.
I put my spoon down, unable to shovel any more of the gruelly substance down my
throat, and took a good look at my wife. She didn't work, stating that we had
more than enough to live with – not that I could argue with that. She divided
her time between spending money with her posh friends, keeping the house in
what was to her the ideal state, and trying to convince me to have children.
To be fair, she tried to take good care of me; the porridge and the coffee were
good examples of this. I believe she genuinely thought that we were happy, or
more accurately that we were making each other happy.
It sure didn't take much to keep her happy, however: unlimited amount of funds,
a good fuck once in a while, and not having to work. Well, she'd be over the
moon if I agreed to stop wearing condoms, but there was no way in hell that was
going to happen; before I knew it she'd be pregnant and I'd cave in at her
pleas to keep the baby.
Having a husband with submissive tendencies certainly had its perks... I shook
my head imperceptibly before muttering that I needed to take off.
I made my way to the car and drove towards the office. I was being told
endlessly that I needed a driver, but I liked the tiny bit of freedom I had
left... most of the time I only felt relatively free when I was in my car.
Everyone also told me that I should change it, it wasn't brand new, it wasn't
expensive, it didn't have an onboard GPS system; but it was my car, it was
comfortable, and I liked it.
I wasn't too sure where all these thoughts were coming from, but I did know
that it wasn't the first time. Everyone has a certain vision of themselves, of
their future. I couldn't see myself living this life, being stuck in a loveless
marriage; but I didn't know how to change it. It was as though I was waiting
for the sky to drop a happy future into my lap.
Why did I stay with a cheating wife? Sure enough, I was pretty certain she had
only once been with another man, and I also believed she was trying to make up
for it by pushing for children and trying her best to take care of her beloved
husband, who was the one bringing lard to the table every day.
I guess I just didn't have the will to change anything. I didn't know when I
lost the will to fight for my own happiness, but lose it I did. Sure, Dad's
death had been a hard blow, but that couldn't be it, could it? Then again, he
was one of the very few who know that I was bisexual. He had also been the only
one I could still talk to about that, and now there wasn't anyone any longer. I
shook my head, when did I become so… so defeatist?
I mulled over the same thoughts until I reached the parking lot, and stationed
my car at my reserved spot. I killed the engine and sat back, taking a deep
breath.
I was scheduled to meet an important client, and I had to clear my thoughts
before I went in there. I closed my eyes and rubbed my temples firmly, hoping
to ward off the headache I could feel forming.
I let out a long steadying breath before opening my eyes and glancing at my
watch.
8:35 – the client was arriving at half past nine, so I had some time to review
the case.
I exited the car, locked it, and strode towards the elevator which took me
directly to the whole level of the building reserved for me. Leah, my personal
assistant, had an office next to my gigantic one. There was also the very fancy
conference room and a personal space where I could relax, the place where I
liked to have lunch in peace and quiet.
I shot a glance through the open door to Leah's office to make sure she knew I
was in before going to my desk and sitting down heavily. A large pile of paper
required my attention but would have to wait until later. I had to start with
the potential client, whose thick file was sitting right in front of me,
looking excruciatingly boring.
With an annoyed sigh, I picked it up and started skimming over it. I was going
to meet the founder of some lab called NeuroAction Labs – later abbreviated NA
Labs. I had never heard of the firm, but Leah had done her work well, and there
were pages and pages about it. I didn't bother with the report though, going
straight to the reason for the meeting. The guy, whose name wasn't even
mentioned, claimed to have produced a drug to help autistic children. Well, I
knew there was another thick file on my desk entirely about that CEO, but to be
frank I didn't give a damn. Up until now I had always gone with the flow and my
gut for business transactions, and it had always worked out, no need to change
a winning strategy. In any case, I already knew what I needed to know, all the
data about the drug was safe in my brain.
I frowned. Since I spent most of my Sundays volunteering at an Orphanage,
children were a very sensitive subject for me. The guy better be very serious
and have some very good proof to back his claims, because there was no way I
was going to back his drug if there was the slightest risk.
I threw the file down, annoyed. Leah knew better than to set up meetings with
complete strangers, strangers that made some wild claims about drugs for
children on top of it! I stood up abruptly and made my way to the personal
room, where I proceeded to brew some much-needed tea. I added a finger of rum
before sipping the hot drink in my favourite comfy chair. It was old and ugly,
but I loved it… I took hold of the remote and turned the stereo on, putting on
U2's The City of Blinding Light and letting the music stream out. I turned the
volume down a bit before sitting back.
I felt myself calm slowly. Lately I was a permanent bundle of nerves, but I
didn't know how to change that. Well, I suppose I could turn my whole life
around, but short of that the options were limited. For the first time in a
very long time, I made an effort to think up something that would truly make me
happy.
Soon, I had to admit that I didn't have a clue what that could be. I was
tethering on the edge of depression, and the only thing that kept me going was
burying myself in work and a steadying routine. Keeping busy generally sufficed
to avoid a wandering mind, but as time went by, it became harder and harder to
prevent it altogether.
I chuckled, maybe I was going through the infamous forty-year old male crisis?
I shook my head; I had never done anything like all other men, no matter how
badly I wanted to, there was no reason to think I would start now. I stayed
there for a while, head lolling, enjoying the stereo which was set on shuffle,
digging up stuff I hadn't listened to in ages.
A glance at the clock told me that it was time to turn the music off, put my
cup aside and leave the comfortable armchair to face the stranger. Something
irked me; I wasn't convinced the client was worthy of coming here. After all, I
was at the head of the largest health firm in United Kingdom; we owned most
private clinics, many public hospitals, and most drug companies used us to
distribute their products.
Funny how Dad had meant to discover a revolutionary carburant, hence naming his
company Black's Energies, but ended up in the health business. Not that I
really cared… he had put me in charge when he got too old to run the company,
without giving me much of a choice, probably thinking I would be delighted to
become famous and rich.
He probably wouldn't be happy to see what I made of his company, though. I had
donated a large part of the profits to different hospital and charities. Lucky
I owned 80 per cent of the company, or I would have been out on my ear. Still,
after making sure the profits went somewhere other than my bank account, I
played the good boy and did my best getting the company to thrive; after all,
the more profits the more money went to charity.
Sometimes I wondered why I bothered with the company at all; I had enough money
to be able to retire and I could place a responsible CEO and avoid having to
deal with all of this. I hated this work, after all. Still, it was almost the
only thing left of my father, and I needed something to do or I'd go crazy at
home with Bella. Again, I needed it for the image too. I didn't want anyone
starting to ask questions or getting suspicious.
I got to the conference room and barged in, lost in thoughts. Usually I let
Leah guide my clients in there and have them wait for me. Not only could I
afford to make them wait, but I found they were easier to manipulate when they
were either irritated or anxious. They say that everything is fair in love and
war, well I'd say everything was fair too when it came to closing a deal.
I had picked up the file on my way to the conference room, but when I saw who
was sitting there, looking utterly relaxed, I dropped it and stumbled to avoid
walking all over the spreading papers. I mumbled an apology before going down
to one knee and scooping all the papers up. My heart was hammering, and I could
feel sweat on my hands. I stood back up as quickly as possible and collected my
cool.
The man hadn't moved one iota. His face was a mask void of emotions, but his
eyes were boring down on me, making me feel as though I was being X-rayed. I
swallowed once, that particular man had always had the uncanny ability to make
me lose my footing.
"Edward." I croaked, my throat having gone dry.
"Actually," the voice was as I remember it, exactly the same, although now it
had a slight sneer to it, "it's 'Dr. Cullen' to you, Black."
The unveiled insult made me swell. "It's 'Mr. Black' to you, or 'sir'. I
suggest you remember that in case you want a chance at selling me your new
miraculous drug." If I had been hoping for a reaction, I was disappointed, his
face stayed emotionless.
"Very well, Mr. Black," he answered after a beat, somehow managing to make the
presence of the title more insulting than the lack thereof.
I turned my back to him, bristling. That particular man had always had his way
with me, but I couldn't allow that to happen when I needed my wits about me to
close the deal. NA had refused to give us samples for testing, arguing it was
their property until they found a buyer, so I hadn't been able to put my best
experts to work. The board had been quite insistent about this meeting though,
and were eager for me to buy the drug at a fraction of the price NA was
selling. They kept repeating that it was a revolutionary drug that could win us
billions; the only proof was the meagre evidence provided by NA.
I made my way to the bar. "Can I get you anything to drink?" I offered
politely, steeling myself for what I knew would be a difficult negotiation.
"I'd prefer it if we could get to the point." Although the formulation was
polite, his tone made it an order. I gripped the bar until my knuckles
whitened; my heart had started beating at a frenzied rhythm again; what the
hell was happening to me?
"Sure." I answered as soon as I regained countenance, before wheeling around to
sit myself opposite the doctor. "So," I added, "what can you tell me about this
drug of yours?"
His eyebrows rose a fraction, "You already know frontwards and backwards
everything my lab has sent you, and you also know I don't have anything else to
give you. As I've repeated to your experts countless times, in vivo studies are
close to impossible. Since we don't really know what the cause of autism is, we
can't engineer autistic mice like any other disorders. You also know very well
that my lab doesn't have the means to buy those few mice that have developed
the symptoms by chance. I'm here because there aren't many in this country who
have the means at your disposal, and because your PA was kind enough to arrange
a meeting with you. Now if you don't mind, I would like you to tell me exactly
why I am here."
We stared at each other for a few seconds. I remembered he was intelligent, but
I didn't remember he was this quick-minded. Finally, I gave up trying to hide
the true reason for the meeting, "We are interested in buying your drug, but
the price you ask is much too high. No lab has ever obtained this much for
their first drug, particularly one as mysterious as this one. I can offer you
half the price."
Edward squinted at me, but didn't say anything for a few seconds, and I hoped
to God he was seriously considering my offer. My executive deputy CEOs would be
furious if this deal failed, they were convinced it was the opportunity of the
century. I wasn't quite as thrilled, but if NA sold us the drug at half price;
the investment would be quite ridiculously low compared to our funds. So even
if the drug turned out useless, we wouldn't have lost much. In addition, I knew
Edward; he had a model work ethic, and if he said that the drug worked, than I
knew he believed it. The only problem was; he could very well be wrong. Still,
even sixteen years without seeing Edward, I couldn't help but trust him. I
couldn't believe that he would try to sell me a bogus compound or try to get it
on the market if there were any risks.
"No. I know this compound works, and I'm not about to let it go for half its
worth." He interrupted my train of thoughts. It was true that if his drug
really worked, than the price he was asking wasn't far-fetched. Nevertheless,
the risk involved had to be taken into account.
"You know very well that you'll have a very hard time finding anyone else
willing to buy, my company controls over 60 per cent of the market."
"Look, Black, I won't be bullied into selling this half-price as though you
were out shopping during sales."
The lack of title was obviously aiming to insult, and I couldn't stop myself
from snapping. "Don't forget who dominates here! You don't exactly have a
choice, you're going to have to submit if you want me to buy it!" I emphasized
those two key words, knowing fully well how he would take it. I couldn't bring
myself to care, though. Either he sold me his f-ing drug, or he didn't, I was
ready to bet my whole company that he would never find anyone else to buy it.
He stood up abruptly, "I think this concludes negotiations." He said coldly,
before striding out.
===============================================================================
I was still bristling from the meeting when I got home that night. Of course,
the deputy CEO in charge of business and the one in charge of R&D bore down on
me before the day was over and told me in no uncertain words that I had made a
real mistake. Leah spent the day making me understand by scowls and glares that
she too, thought I had insulted God.
I had to remind them all who the boss was, and even that didn't calm them. All
three knew very well that they were quite invaluable to me... damn them. I was
quite certain that the board would also find a way to track me down. Not that I
really cared, the board owned a pitiful 20 per cent in the interests of the
company, and had absolutely no power over me. Still, they would growl without
biting, which could be really annoying. Better a happy board, but I would be
damned if they thought I would run to NA tail tucked between my legs to
apologize. I knew very well that Edward wouldn't accept anything less.
So it was in a dark mood that I let myself in the large house I owned in
Chelsea.
Bella was quite oblivious. She announced happily that she had ordered Chinese
for dinner, and I groaned inwardly, wondering why I hadn't chosen to marry a
cook. Take out was nice once in a while, but every night was really too much.
My dear wife didn't mind preparing something for me to eat, but she seemed very
reluctant to consume her own cooking. One really had to wonder if she just
didn't care about feeding me her poisonous food, or if she didn't realize she
was giving me something to eat she would never eat herself...
She moved in to kiss me, but as more often than not I pretended to be very
absorbed in the lengthy task of taking my shoes off.
Trying to conceal her embarrassment, she said offhandedly, "Jake, you know,
Alice was telling me how much she loved being a mother. She said that Jasper
had been reluctant at first but that he was really happy now with having
children..."
I rolled my eyes. We were in for yet another argument about children, and I
could predict that within five minutes one of us would be yelling. "Oh." I
said, hoping to avoid the inevitable.
"Don't you want a sweet little girl, hon? Or a boy! You two could play soccer
in the back yard!" She exclaimed as though she had just thought about it and
never used this argument before.
I very nearly snorted. Soccer really wasn't my thing... I used to play football
in college, I'd been quite a good swimmer and waterpolo player, but obviously
my dear wife never went to the trouble of remembering that. I hummed
noncommittally.
"Jake, I don't understand, why don't you want children?" Her tone suggested the
yelling was not far off.
I straightened up, thinking I couldn't pretend to use that much time taking my
shoes off, before striding towards the kitchen, hoping for a cold beer. I
wanted to argue that I had answered that very question about once a week of
late, but it was quite pointless. Actually, this whole thing was quite
pointless.
Really, I couldn't help but feel like this whole life was pointless. I clenched
my jaw, and found myself wishing for the second time that I knew what the hell
could give my life some sense.
Luckily, the argument that broke out that night was enough to distract me from
my dark thoughts.
***** The Rainbow Room *****
2. The Rainbow Room
The reporter was bravely yelling over the whistling sounds and loud music,
"We're on Regent Street where the London Gay Pride Parade is taking place like
every year. The atmosphere is friendly and relaxed as the different groups file
down the street towards Trafalgar Square and Whitehall."
The broadcast went to split screen; the reporter on one side and the BBC
newsroom on the other. "Marcus, can you tell us how many people attended this
year?"
The reporter pressed a hand to his ear, trying to block out the sounds and hear
the question. He nodded once before turning towards the camera , "Organizers
tell us half a million people came to watch the parade, John! People are spread
out around the long route that the parade is taking, but some places are so
crowded that the whole of Oxford Street is blocked!"
"And are there any other events planned?" John asked, from the BBC quarters.
"Boris Johnson, the Mayor, is hosting a gala later tonight for the occasion. He
has been repeating lately that London has a very large homosexual community,
and is known to be pro-gay. I am told there is a picnic tomorrow in Vauxhall."
A bus slowly drove past the reporter, its large speakers flooding the street
with typical club music, and everyone around started clapping their hands with
the rhythm.
I was watching the news wistfully. Bella was sitting next to me, chatting
loudly over the TV; she had never been one to endorse homosexuality or gay
rights. If things had been different, I could have been there either watching
enthusiastically from the crowd, letting the atmosphere take over; or parading
with one of the groups, maybe with a random boyfriend... I sighed lowly.
It was strange how, despite being bisexual, I wished for a boyfriend. I thought
snidely that marrying Isabella Swan was enough to make anyone gay; that was
probably it. But I was being unfair... I knew that at some time I had loved
her; I must have, or I would never have gone down on one knee! What happened to
us? Was it simply the cheating or was it something else? I couldn't help but
feel we were wrong for each other... I sighed again lowly, there was no point
torturing myself with those questions, there wasn't anything I was ready to do
to change how things were.
The screen returned to the BBC newsroom, and my wife thankfully shut up. Some
part of me wished they would have let us see more of the Pride...
"And now for the breaking news," John exclaimed with gusto. "As previously
reported, a company called NeuroAction has produced a new drug to help autistic
children. The lab and its leader, Doctor Edward Cullen, have been desperate to
find a buyer. It would seem that the drug hasn't passed many tests, which,
according to our sources, is why Black's Energies have so far refused any deal.
The firm and its young CEO, Jacob Black known for his philanthropic work, have
refused to make any comments.
"It would seem that Doctor Cullen has been able to find someone else however! A
new firm specializing in drug testing and marketing led by the driven owner
James Loyd is rumoured to have taken on the drug! Sources tell us it should
help autistic children with their legendary shyness, as well as preventing fits
of anger at a younger age. Doctor Cullen's group has invented a new way to
identify molecules responsible for disorders. There is already speculation
about a Nobel Prize as this could be a revolutionary finding. Doctor Cullen
published a paper a few months back in the revered scientific journalScience,
which is well on its way to become one of the most cited articles this year!
I'm sure parents all over the world are going to follow the progression of this
new drug with a lot of interest."
The BBC symbol flashed on the screen, before the reporter reappeared, "On to
the devastating news about a bombing in –"
Bella turned the TV off, as she always did when it came to bloodshed. I often
wondered if she hoped to pretend suicide bombings weren't a real possibility in
London, despite the 2005 attack.
I was stunned at the news we had just heard. Almost three weeks had gone by
since the meeting with Edward, and my executive committee had been mollified
when they saw the doctor was unable to find anyone interested in his new
compound. They had been quite certain he would come back, tail tucked between
his legs, to secure a deal on our terms. Of course, I knew Edward enough to be
sure that was definitely not going to happen, but I hadn't seen the benefit of
telling anyone – if only because I really did not want anyone to ask how I knew
him. I groaned; the deputy CEOs would be all over this...
Sure enough, despite being a Saturday at mid-day, my phone started vibrating on
the low table. I sighed deeply, and Bella, probably seeing the caller ID, made
a quick exit.
"Jacob Black." I answered as I picked up.
"Hello, Jacob," came Aro's honeying voice. "I assume you saw the news?"
"Yes. I'm going to NA as we speak." I had made up my mind. Edward would
probably not even talk to anyone else, if he even was in on a Saturday.
"Don't you think it would be a mistake to go in person?"
Aro was a good negotiator, and in a normal situation I would agree, but this
wasn't just anyone we were dealing with... "No, I don't. I'll keep you posted."
"Very well, I will inform the others. Good luck." He hung up and I threw the
phone to the side.
I wasn't sure how I felt about having to go back to Edward...
"Bells, I'm going out, work is calling!" I told her.
"Sure, I'm making lasagne tonight! Call so I know when you'll be back!" Came
her answer.
I groaned. Bella's lasagne should be registered as a deadly weapon for
potential death by heart failure. The dish was so rich it was quite inedible.
If I had the choice, I would pick an awkward dinner out with Edward's icy
attitude rather than having to plough my way through a plate of that thing. The
real problem however was that Bella liked that one dish, the only one she
cooked; so obviously she assumed everyone else liked it. I really had to wonder
if all those friends of her pretended to love it too or if they actually liked
it.
Still, my wife was so proud of that one thing she could cook that I didn't have
the heart to tell her how disgusting it was. Who could mess up lasagne anyway?
Even those pre-prepared versions you could buy were not that bad! White sauce,
pasta and Bolognese, was it really that hard to cook an eatable lasagne? Not
that I had ever tried… it would probably end up just as horrible if I did try.
I had never needed to cook, so I had never really bothered to learn. A mistake
I was dearly paying for now that I was dependent on Bella's food.
And tomorrow was our wedding anniversary. Like every single year, we'd go to a
fancy restaurant, before going to fuck in a fancy hotel. Jesus, when did my
life become this litany of routines? Not that I minded the occasional exciting
night with my wife, but the whole anniversary seemed such a staged act of lies
now that I knew all about her indiscretions….
I shook myself out of these depressing questions and took off. NA labs were in
a single rather small building in South Kensington, near the Imperial College
Campus. Edward probably wanting to stay near a university he liked… I couldn't
help but wonder how he managed to make such discoveries in a tiny lab with very
limited funds… I mean fuck, my own R&D spanned a whole campus near the NHS
centre at St Mary's Hospital, with all the latest fancy toys – and they were
hard pressed to publish anything!
My phone stayed silent all the way; Aro had probably told all the others that I
was handling the mess. Now I was going to have to outbid that stupid ass James
for a risky investment. Damn it all to hell!
I parked as near as possible to the labs and charged into the building. It had
been a really long time since I had done any field work… it felt weird to be
trampling around London to fix a moronic mistake. I huffed; betting Edward
would want me to get down on my knees and beg or something like that… Jesus, I
couldn't wait for this to be over. Or did I? When it was over, I'd just go back
to my dull everyday life. Maybe I should try to enjoy the unexpected twist.
An elegant blond was sitting in the entrance. "Hello, I'm here to see Edward,"
I said before she could open her mouth, slightly forgetting that I wasn't in my
own building where everyone obeyed my every command.
"You don't have an appointment, Mr Black." She answered curtly, a slight scowl
on her face.
I decided my name might be enough to open doors, even here. "If you know who I
am, you know I don't have any time to waste. Obviously Edward is here, or you
would have told me so right away. Now get on the Goddamn phone and tell him we
need to talk."
Her scowl deepened, "Doctor Cullen is actually not here. You'll have to make an
appointment with him, I'm afraid he doesn't have a secretary."
I was about to raise my voice when Edward's cold voice came from behind me.
"It's fine, Rose, I just got here. Follow me then, Black, since you don't have
any time to waste." The sneer was evident in his voice. I wheeled around to see
Ed standing in the doorway, shirt opened halfway up, carrying a very large
rainbow flag over his shoulder. I opened my mouth, but no sound came out.
He strode past me, and I followed without a look back at the annoying blond.
Edward led us at full speed towards the door behind Rose, flashed an ID card,
and pressed it to a reader to the side which beeped. He pushed the door opened
and hurried forward without holding the door or checking that I was following.
He strode down a corridor, before taking a right and prying those heavy
emergency doors opened, revealing a staircase. I followed, slightly breathless
already, as he all but jumped up the stairs, swallowing them two by two.
Two floors up, he wheeled out of the staircase, still without a backward
glance. I reached the doors, wheezing slightly, and had to open the heavy doors
too as they closed on my face. I barely caught a glimpse of Ed entering the
office at the end of a short corridor. I joined him as quickly as possible,
only to freeze as I entered the room.
It was obviously Edward's office, large without wasting space. The wall
opposite the entrance door was made of glass and gave a nice view of the park
that faced the building. It was the wall behind the desk that stunned me
though, as it had been painted to resemble the gay rainbow flag. I blinked
several times, before my eyes travelled down to Edward, who had put his flag
aside and sat down behind the desk.
"You'll have to excuse my dishevelled look, just back from the Pride." An image
of me holding hands with a faceless boyfriend crossed my mind, proudly walking
down Regent Street. "Sit." He added and I obliged. Edward seemed to notice I
was short of breath, and he pursed his lips – I made a mental note to take up
jogging.
I was still too busy taking in the whole situation to talk. Edward was turning
his laptop on, seemingly quite content to ignore me. When I regained the
faculty to speak, I asked in a slightly high-pitched voice, "Did you have fun?"
"Wonderful, not that it's any of your business. There's really something to
claim you're gay and proud once a year." His tone was slightly less frosty.
"Yeah…" I muttered. "I wish I could have been there." I added as an after-
though, before going rigid; this was the first time in about a decade that I
made any voiced comment about my bisexuality. I kicked myself; this was exactly
the kind of action that would lead to the headline "JACOB BLACK GAY" in one of
those trashy papers.
Edward didn't notice my discomfort, he was still busy with his computer; he
chuckled, "Next year maybe." I relaxed, reminded that Edward was one of the few
who knew about me. It was strangely calming to be sitting in a rainbow-
decorated office with a gay man who already knew about my secret; and above all
who didn't give a damn or judge.
After a short minute during which I simply let myself enjoy being somewhere I
could be myself, Edward turned to me, the genteel smile fading. I was reminded
that I was a CEO of a large corporation and here on business. I kicked myself a
second time, realizing that I had been submitting to Edward's dominant
demeanour. There was no place in the business world where submitting would get
me a deal and that was particularly true in Edward's office. He'd use my
weakness against me in a heartbeat; I needed to be strong and confident for the
impending negotiations if I wanted to turn this failure into a success.
I slipped back in the role of the CEO, "I'm here to talk about those ridiculous
rumours." I said forcefully, hoping to make up my moment of weakness by being
slightly over-aggressive.
Edward's eyebrows rose a fraction before he schooled his feature into a passive
mask. "Assuming you're talking about my finding a buyer, I'm going to have to
correct you, they are not rumours."
I scowled; it would have made everything so much easier… I went with the back-
up plan, "Fine, I'll overbid James."
There was a few seconds of silence before Edward – still expressionless –
replied, "Not interested."
I had to make a real effort not to roll my eyes. "You're being ridiculous. You
know my facilities are ten times better, I can get you access to a wider part
of the market. And to top it all, I'm offering more than James! What do you
have to lose?"
"I'm not stupid, Black. I know very well what your offer entails. Like I said,
I'm not interested." He turned his head back to the laptop. I had to admit that
a small part of me knew the confrontation would go down like this…
"So what, you're expecting me to get on my knees, kiss your boots, apologize
for my damn joke and beg, is that it?" I snapped.
He wasn't able to prevent the smirk from showing, "You could undoubtedly try,
but I'm not going to change my mind."
I let my frustration show with a deep sigh, "I'm sorry for my idiotic rant at
you, alright?" I tried for an apologetic tone, but it wasn't overly convincing.
His eyes bore down on me, and with an icy glare he said, "I always admired your
father because he didn't act like he was on top of the world, even though he
was arguably one of the most powerful men in the UK. I used to think he had
done a good job with you, deep down at least. I might not have been overly
polite at our last meeting, but if I were you, I would be ashamed. Now get
out." His voice was dripping with venom.
I wasn't able to react at first. There was too much truth in his words to deny
them. I had grown comfortable with my role as a powerful CEO, and I truly
believed that if Dad were alive, he wouldn't be impressed. I couldn't help the
fleeting thought that if I hadn't spent ten years with a wife who acted as
though she was about to be coronated Queen, I might have turned out better.
However, I knew putting the blame on her shoulders was cowardly, I had to take
my part of responsibility in it.
"Ed, look; I know I was a dick. But like you said, you weren't exactly nice
either! Couldn't we just… start over?"
His features smoothened somewhat, "The deal is signed. I have a meeting, you
should go."
I nodded. Thinking of dad, he used to say 'recognize when you're beaten' and
quite clearly I was, "Good-bye, Ed."
He nodded slowly, before his eyes turned back to the laptop. I stood up and
slowly made my way out. I couldn't deny that I wished I could stay in this
rainbow room a little longer.…
"Black," I wheeled around, to see Edward piercing me with a conflicted
expression. After a beat, he said slowly, as though regretting every word,
"There's a picnic in Vauxhall tomorrow… for the Pride… you should come."
I bit my cheek, nodding. His eyes had already travelled down to the laptop,
frowning. He probably did regret inviting me. "I can't…" I answered. Still, I
couldn't help but ask, "Ed? You wouldn't want to have dinner tonight? On me?" I
would have done anything to avoid Bella's lasagne… if I had to be honest
though, the real reason was that I wanted more time with Edward… I wished I
could stay with him in this room.
"Afraid not," came his immediate answer. I didn't wait for my dues, but left
right away.
===============================================================================
I was sitting in my car, which was parked in front of the house. Instead of
going directly home, I hadn't resisted the temptation of driving to Central
London to get a quick fleeting look at the Pride. The parade was over, but the
streets were still flooded with people, especially Trafalgar Square. I hadn't
resisted either when I found a miniature rainbow flag attached to a toothpick
right next to where I stopped the car. It was safely stowed away in my car's
unused cigarette lighter compartment, where no one would find it.
My skin was literally crawling at the idea of having to go back to Bella.
Drowning in bigotry, having to hide my real identity, pretending all day long…
I felt a surge of hatred for this life. Edward might not have been 'overly
polite' but at least he was honest, up-front, non judgmental, fair… not to
mention incredibly handsome – if the sneak peek I got from his open shirt was
anything to judge by. His slim form probably still possessed that unexpected,
skilled strength which had always outmatched the brute force of my larger
frame.
I took a deep breath. As much as I hated to admit it, Edward had also been
quite right, more than I had realized at first. Bella and I were quite cut off
from the world we lived in, bathing in luxury. The only contacts we had were
Bella's equally ilk lady-friends or the few vague buddies I had made over the
years – who were all rich and successful. Dad had always had friends in all
levels of society, loved frequenting popular bars or crowded events …
I shivered. In the space of our five minute meeting, Edward had somehow managed
to strip me of all pretence and force me to have a good look at myself – all
the while giving off the impression he had bared my soul and taken a good look
at it. Apparently he still possessed that unnerving gift to make me a better
man.
I gripped the steering wheel tightly before letting out a long breath and
leaving the car. Here we were, diving back into hypocrisy. Bella was home,
obviously, because the smell of her lasagne was coming from the kitchen.
"I'm back!" I tried my best not to grumble, but again it wasn't very
convincing. I had to get a grip on myself! I couldn't afford any slip-ups. Not
with Bella.
"You're just in time," she announced, "dinner is ready!" I made my way to the
dining room, where the table was set for two on the austere mahogany table. The
room was quite dark, the cutlery had a cold steely look while the dishes were a
blunt white. It was like penetrating a different world, coming from Edward's
open, light office, full of colours with actual comfortable chairs.
"Need any help?" I asked as she hurried from the kitchen with a steaming
platter of lasagne.
"Nope," she exclaimed, looking very satisfied indeed with herself.
I sat down, wondering why she insisted on making scalding hot food on a 29th of
June when it was almost 30 Celsius outside. She served me a large portion; I
couldn't help but think that it really wasn't surprising I couldn't run up two
flights of stairs, eating this kind of thing.
"Jane told me that many big firms actually sent delegations to that clown's
parade, earlier today! I assured her that you hadn't… I really don't get why
they insist on humiliating themselves like that. Don't they realize how stupid
they look, going around half naked in Central London?" She commented
scathingly, probably certain I was going to agree whole-heartedly.
Another time I would have, but that night, I just couldn't bring myself to
utter the words. I found myself praying Edward would call on my private number
– which he didn't have – to invite me for a cold beer so I could escape this...
whatever this was. One thing was certain, I would do my best to see Ed again.
It felt as though heaven had dropped a miracle in the midst of my living hell,
and I wasn't going to pass up on it.
***** Thrown in Sharp Contrast *****
3. Thrown in Sharp Contrast
"Chocolate supreme sprinkled with almond powder with its raspberry sauce." The
waiter announced as he gently lowered the desert in front of me. Bella's dish
was already before her.
She raised her champagne glass "To eleven years of a successful marriage." I
clinked my glass with hers, careful to avoid crossing her eyes as I did so.
We both took a careful sip, and she cackled, "You know, if you don't meet my
eyes during the toast, it means you're not being truthful!"
"Oh, really?" I asked in a mock cheery voice, before diverting my attention to
my desert. I wasn't really hungry, but I forced it down anyway. It was good,
but eating at fancy restaurants did become boring after a while. Particularly
as this was Bella's all time favourite restaurant, a fancy three starred one.
We came here for wedding anniversaries, her birthday, New Year... I really
should get a tab here... maybe even a sleeping bag. I was longing for home-made
cuisine, the type mom used to cook before she passed... it was such a long time
ago I barely remembered what she used to make.
"Jake, I've been thinking, wouldn't you want to try to make a baby tonight?
It's the right moment, and I know deep down you want a baby just as much as I
do!"
I took another mouthful or two, pushing back the drama as much as possible.
"No, sorry."
She frowned. "Why not? This is our special night!"
"I'm sorry, Bells, this is just not what I want."
"Don't you want to make me happy?"
I had a hard time not rolling my eyes. "I'm sorry, baby, but this is the one
thing I can't give you."
"Jake, you're ruining it for me tonight..." she hissed.
"Well, I'm sorry, but this is as much about me as it is about you! I don't want
to try for a baby tonight, you're going to have to live with it!" I was getting
annoyed, and my voice rose a fraction.
"Shhh!" She snapped, looking around, concerned. This time I couldn't help
rolling my eyes. Appearances – keep them up at all cost!
We finished eating in silence. As soon as our plates were cleaned, a waiter
swooped in to take them away and suggested a variety of coffees, teas and
liqueurs. I asked for my favourite: simple black tea; and Bella asked for a
strong coffee. We sipped them still in silence, her not wanting to make a scene
in public, I quite content to forget the matter.
It wasn't before we were in the privacy of our room that she took the subject
up – again. We were lying in bed in our underwear, ready to perform the
ritualistic act, when Bella interrupted the routine with, "Jake, I forgot to
bring condoms," looking perfectly innocent and oblivious.
I smiled. "That's alright, I've got them."
She immediately scowled, "Do we really need them?"
"Yes, we both know you could get pregnant tonight, and I don't want to take any
risks."
She sat up abruptly. "Jake! Why don't you want children with me? Tell me the
truth!"
I didn't move – we had been going through the same motions for a few months
now. I really should get myself recorded on a tape to play it for her every
time she asked the same questions... "I don't have time, Bella, you know that.
I work really hard so we can keep our level of life, and it's just not the
right time for a baby. You know I'm trying to merge with BP's environment-
friendly R&D department..." What a load of bull!
She huffed, "I know... I just... I feel like you don't want children at all!
Only those deranged homos are like that!" I didn't grace that with an answer.
When she finally understood the conversation was over, she gave up trying to
convince me and moved in for a kiss, sitting on her thighs and bending over to
reach my lips. Her small, soft hand was cupping my cheek.
Only those deranged homos are like that... that clown's parade... how stupid
they look... although we were on the brink of having sex, I replayed her
insults in my head. Edward flashed before my eyes, and I bristled, I hated that
she was such a close-minded bigot!
I barely noticed that she climbed on top of me. A muscle twitched in my jaw,
wondering for the zillionth time how I could stay with my wife, how I could
stand to live with her. How could I even live with myself? And what kind of
life was that?
"Hum... Jake... you're not very... excited, down here." Her tentative words
brought me back to the here and now, and I realized that I indeed was as soft
as they came. I closed my eyes and tried to shut out all those questions that
tormented me. Perform, Jake, perform.
I took a deep steadying breath and opened my eyes, to see Bella on her knees
between my legs, stroking my length slowly with one hand. Her naked form wasn't
at all as exciting as it used to be, and I had to concentrate to stay hard.
Again, Edward flashed before my eyes; but this time he was as I saw him
yesterday. His tight, dark green shirt was open halfway up, revealing the
topmost abdominal and the start of a pectoral. He had a burgundy pair of shorts
that barely reached his knees, and dark green Converse. His hair was unkempt,
his face slightly flushed at being outside for a long while, reddening nose and
cheeks from a prolonged exposure in the sun, and that lively glint in his eyes.
My mouth started watering and I groaned, feeling myself reaching full mast in
my wife's weak grip.
Satisfied I was fully excited, Bella reached for a condom and put it on me. I
felt her seat herself onto my cock, and I let my head fall on the pillow,
savouring the sensation.
The rest of the night was a succession of moans, curses and sweet words. We
touched each other; Bella absolutely clueless about my hotspots, me knowing how
sensitive her breasts her.
In the end, I didn't have a problem performing that night. Bella was glowing in
post-coitus sated-ness, and I was lying in her arms, feeling a bit better.
Mercifully, Edward's ghost had disappeared as Bella and I made ready for the
main course, so to speak.
Still, I couldn't help but feel that sex with my wife was... insipid, even
boring. It was the same bloody thing every time, and even though it was
satisfying, I never felt sated... I couldn't help but feel it wasn't enough. I
wanted more, I wanted diversity. As I laid there, holding her in my arms, I
couldn't stop myself from wishing I was the one to be held in strong arms
instead.
For a fleeting moment, I saw myself spending the day in the sun at the picnic
in the park... I would be with a strong, hot boyfriend, sitting next to each
other. Birds would be singing, people would be laughing all around in a relaxed
atmosphere as we all exchanged the food we had brought. Nobody cared who I was,
nobody cared how full my bank account was, nobody cared about the fact that we
were eating on plastic plates. We would be in a comfortable T-shirt and cut-
offs instead of an expensive suit. And when the sun finally set after a long,
terrific day, my boyfriend and I would enjoy the evening sun for a few minutes,
just the two of us, before going home for some wild homoerotic sex.
My last thought, as I fell asleep, was that this dream of mine was probably
exactly how Edward was having it...
===============================================================================
Days swept past, and I was feeling increasingly morose. Life was the same
horrid routine, full of business meetings, expensive dinners and hypocritical
moments spent with my wife.
Finally, one week after the anniversary; after spending a whole weekend cooped
up with Bella, I made my mind up. I was going to see Edward again. I had it all
planned, I would show up that Monday for lunch, and bring him something to eat,
which we could enjoy in the privacy of his incredible rainbow office.
I left work around half past eleven, and sped towards a delectable little
French café, which catered lunch and take-away. I ordered a Salad Niçoise and a
tuna salad. I wasn't too sure what kind of stuff Edward ate these days, but I
knew I had to keep my own lunch light or my softening belly would get downright
flabby. I had thought about running after that time in Edward's office, but
there had always been something to prevent me... I also bought some sparkling
water and a tropézienne tart, deciding two salads was a bit too plain.
I arrived at NA around twelve, and marched into the atrium with the brown paper
bag containing lunch. There, I found the same annoying blond as the previous
time. Without letting her pipe up, I ordered in my most commanding voice, "I'm
here to see Doctor Cullen."
She pursed her lips. "Doctor Cullen is about to go on his lunch break, I'm
afraid you will have to come back at one."
I glared at her and tried to bluff my way through, "I know very well he's about
to go on lunch break, I'm bringing the sodding lunch!" I held up the bag, even
tilting it so she could see what was inside it.
Rose frowned, before picking the phone up. "Ed? I've got Black here, he brought
lunch..."
Edward must have answered, because she put the phone to her chest and asked me
with a slight sneer, "He wants to know what you brought."
I very nearly rolled my eyes; I really should have expected a welcome like
this, "French take-out." Then again, considering how he had coldly turned down
my offer for dinner the previous time, maybe I should have considered myself
lucky...
"French take-away," she told Edward after placing the phone back to her ear. He
answered, and she nodded, before hanging up. "He says you know the way." She
pressed a button under the counter and the door beeped. I hurried past her
office into the deadly silent corridor.
I strode towards the elevator, this time, and arrived in a much less breathless
condition. I knocked on the door that was labelled "Dr. Edward Cullen –
Director of Research" and I did something curious then; I took my wedding ring
off and slipped it in my pocket. I wasn't exactly sure why, I only knew that –
for some reason – I didn't want Edward to know I was married. Maybe I had this
selfish hope he would think I was still a bisexual bachelor. There was a
muffled 'Enter' and I hurried gratefully into the office; I wasn't sure I liked
where this train of thought was leading me.
Although I was prepared for the peculiar look of the room, I still did a take;
the sun was shining through the glass wall, illuminating the whole room
magnificently. I hadn't given it much notice to the lounge area of his office
the first time around, but it now seemed very tempting. Basically, Edward's
office was a long room with his desk at one end – rainbow wall behind it – and
two couches facing each other with a low table in between near the entrance.
Edward himself was sitting comfortably on one of the couches, eyes closed,
probably enjoying the rays of sun that were falling on his pale face,
highlighting his copper hair that seemed to glow in the light. I shut the door,
made my way to the opposite couch, and only then did he lazily open his eyes,
taking me in with the same slight smirk.
"Black..." he drawled.
I dropped the paper bag on the table not too gently. "Do you think you could
call me something else?"
His eyebrows rose as his smirk deepened, "Like what?"
I shrugged with one shoulder, "Oh, I don't know, why not start with Jacob, or
Jake?"
His lip twitched. "No."
I scowled, saying rather unnecessarily, "I brought you lunch."
"Yeah, I got that. You're very welcome to clear off, delivery-boy."
I meaningfully slumped down on the couch. "Bon appétit."
He pursed his lips, but made no attempt to get food. Instead, he considered me
seriously for a beat, before asking, "So tell me, why are you here? From what I
understand, you're not one to kiss ass, so I'm assuming you're not here in a
desperate attempt to negotiate a deal."
I simply took the two salads and bottled water out; I was quite unwilling to
open up to him. To be honest, the last thing I wanted was to admit I was there
with him in a vain attempt to escape my own life.
"What? You're not even going to tryto convince me that you're here for no
particular reason?"
I smiled up at him, "Salad Niçoise or tuna salad?"
He smiled back. "Niçoise, please, if you don't want it." I slid the salad he
wanted across the table, and opened my own. Edward was staring intently at me.
I toed my shoes off and made myself comfortable on the slightly shabby-looking
couch, determinedly looking out the window.
I took in a deep breath as silently as possible, before opening my salad and
tucking in. Here, with the rainbow wall behind me, with Edward sitting facing
me, I suddenly felt completely and utterly relaxed, in a way I hadn't felt in
years. No standards to abide to, no one to impress, and best of all; no
expectations. I just had to be wary of the ex-boyfriend who was sitting a foot
away from me, or he'd pull at a loose string and unravel my entire person. I
believed hard as iron that he really could tumble my whole word with a few
well-placed words, he had taken me to pieces bit by bit once before; I had
absolutely no doubt he could do it again.
Then again, he had also helped me become who I really was, he had helped me fit
the estranged pieces together, to make me whole again. I was quite certain he
still could do that, too. And no doubt it was worth all the gold, success and
wives in the world... to be allowed to be who you really are, to stop
pretending. If only...
I startled when he opened his salad box with a dry 'clack' and was forcibly
pulled out of my thoughts.
Enjoy the moment, Jake, enjoy the moment.
And for the first time in years, I stopped thinking. I munched on my salad
slowly, enjoying the warmth of the sun on my face and the absence of rules or
social pressure that governed Edward's office.
Mid-way through my salad, I was torn from the blissful void that filled my
head, "I don't get it. I invited you to the picnic, no show. I don't hear
anything from you in a week, and today you show up with lunch as though it was
the most normal thing in the world." His voice was cold and bitter, and when I
turned to look at him, I saw he was glaring daggers at me.
I put my lunch down and considered an answer carefully. Lying to Edward had
always been out of the question, and I found myself baffled to realize I still
couldn't voice a right-out lie. Telling him the truth was also out of the
question, though; I still didn't want to admit I was married, and even less
that I was unhappily so. I found myself at a cross roads.
Again, I felt as though this was the Heaven dropping a way out into my lap;
maybe he could somehow help me out of this, maybe I would be able to grow a set
and straighten my life out! I was already starting to realize what was making
me happy; it felt like a tremendous start towards exciting possibilities.
"I..." I shook my head, before finishing lamely, "I was bored." It wasn't a
lie, but it wasn't the truth either...
"You were bored?" He repeated, looking thoroughly unconvinced.
I shrugged half-heartedly, "Yeah."
"So why did you pick 'coming to me with lunch' of all the things you could have
done?"
I gave another weak shrug, "I dunno." I was starting to wonder if he was going
to have me thrown out, it was exactly the kind of thing he would have done. I
swallowed nervously, before admitting, "You don't take any bull or pretence,
and I like that. I'm tired of people who bow to me hypocritically."
Just as the words were leaving my mouth, I realized just how true that was. I
had always liked that about Edward, the way he cut across crap to get to the
point, the way he called me and others on bullshit. Now more than ever, I
craved that kind of person in my life. My life was a big fat lie, and I wasn't
sure how much longer I would be able to stand it. My going to Edward was
probably an unconscious need that had gone unnoticed for far too long.
Silence stretched on uncomfortably, Edward staring at me appraisingly as though
trying to guess my thoughts. I already wished I hadn't said that last part. To
cover up the awkward moment, I picked my lunch up and crammed in a mouthful of
rice and tuna, looking out the window again.
From the corner of my vision, I saw he was eating very slowly, still staring at
me, but with a distant look this time, as though lost in his thoughts. One part
of me was screaming to blurt it all out; there was literally no one I could
talk to in complete honesty, and that was something else I was craving for. On
the other hand, I didn't want Edward of all people to know how miserable I
felt, nor did I want to burden him with my issues.
I finished eating and gave a small sigh. My excuses to linger were thinning
quickly, and once desert was gone I would have to leave unless I came up with a
bright idea. Edward's eyes were unfocused as he looked out the window. I took
the tropézienne out, which had the effect of bringing him back on earth.
"You bought French pastry too?" He asked, looking very surprised.
I smiled, happy with the lightening of the atmosphere, "Yeah, wasn't sure you'd
like it, but I crave sugar after a meal, so..."
He hummed, "I love it, actually. Never found any that are as good as in St
Tropez itself, of course. Tried a few times myself, but it was so disappointing
I gave up."
"Been to South of France?" I immediately picked up.
"Yeah, a good while ago, went on a Eurotrip." He answered airily with a flat
voice.
"Where did you go?" I had seldom been out of the UK. Dad had always been
incredibly busy, and then... well, university was a right catastrophe, next
came Bella, the wedding, and then taking over the company. I'd been to a few
sunny spots, but all had white sand and coconuts, the kind of retreat you'd
expect from a billionaire playboy. I'd never been to those tantalizing places,
the really interesting ones.
Edward cut the tart roughly in two. "Madrid, Paris, St Tropez, Rome, Venice,
Berlin, Amsterdam and Stockholm. I was away for about two months; probably the
most interesting months of my life..." He still spoke with the flat very un-
interested voice. I nodded, wondering why I'd never gone to do something like
that.
We ate in silence, again. Actually, Edward didn't say a single word after that,
until he said quite harshly, "Well, I overdid my lunch break, you need to
leave."
"Sure." I mumbled wistfully, before putting my shoes back on and quickly
collecting all the remnants of our meal. I quickly walked out, seeking to avoid
overstaying my welcome. Edward didn't so much as look up as I left, but I
wasn't surprised.
Nevertheless, I thought the whole thing had gone rather well, giving our common
past. Although Edward had been quite cold, I had thoroughly appreciated the
hour in his office. I wasn't too sure why, after all we had mostly been sitting
in silence, which I could very well do in the private quarters at my own
office! Still, being with him... he was so different from other people... he
knew about my inclinations, he was the only one to know a whole myriad of
things about me. To top it all, he never judged me on who I was. He only judged
my actions, my behaviour; as he had proved once again.
Still, I shook my head, puzzled. How could an hour of near-silence make me feel
so... satisfied? It probably was that with him I could be me, simply Jacob. He
was the only one I could really be myself around. He didn't give a rat's ass
about my bank account, about my 'power', about the status I was key to, or the
standard of life I could lead. As opposed to my dear wife and most the people I
dealt with daily, my worth as a man wasn't measured by the size of my bank
accounts or my social standings when with Edward.
I sometimes wondered whether there was anything left of the real me besides
appearance and social status, and maybe Edward was my chance to find out, to
find myself again. Somewhere along the road, I must have buried down all kinds
of things, without even realizing it! Maybe these parts of... well... me,
really, were fighting to come out. I must have neglected parts of myself in the
hopes of living a normallife, a life I would be expected to want and yearn for.
The man I was - the man I am - has been trying to break free of the chains I
unknowingly burdened him with. Being around Edward, in his office, felt like
taking a deep breath of fresh air after being under water for far too long. No
wonder I felt so peculiar.
There was only one thing I was certain of, he wouldn't have allowed me in if he
thought I was a shallow person or a waste of time. So, whatever was left of the
real me - under all the appearances and what society made of me – couldn't be
that bad. That thought uplifted me.
Feeling unusually cheery, I returned to the office, wondering what take-out I
would pick tomorrow, and whether or not I would be allowed in a second time.
***** The Need for More *****
4. The Need for More
Next morning, the traditional porridge and coffee were waiting on the mahogany
table. Bella was sitting there, too, sipping her own cup of that bitter black
brew while reading the news. I sat myself down heavily and started ploughing
through the distasteful breakfast.
I had almost managed to shovel down the watery stuff when she asked, sounding
concerned, "Do you want more porridge? You look like you could need it..." Why?
Was I looking suicidal?
I fixed a smile. "I'm fine dear, thanks."
She nodded, unconvinced, before saying lightly, "You know that guy who runs
NeuroAction Labs? Doctor Dullen or whatever his name is. Nicky told me he was
seen at that clown parade a while back! In the end it was a good thing you
didn't make that deal with him, nothing good could have come out of it... I bet
you sensed he was abnormal and cancelled the negotiations. I'm so glad you're
sensitive to that kind of thing..."
I stared at her for a few seconds, stunned. Could someone really be that much
of a bigot? Why was I married to her? And how the hell didn't I find out about
this homo-hatred before? I'd always known she didn't approve, but she had never
been quite this ferocious about it.
"Actually, he cancelled the deal. And my directors tell me we made a mistake
not pushing for it." I retorted, before realizing what I just said and diving
back into my porridge.
"Oh." She sounded trumped. This was probably the first time I challenged her,
baby matter aside.
I clamped my jaw shut and muttered, "I need to run," before doing just that,
skipping the usual good-bye kiss. I stepped into my car and paused. I wasn't
proud about it, but I was feeling so miserable I thought I could cry. My own
wife would hate me if I came out to her as bisexual; the one person I had given
everything to.
She had cheated on me. She was such a bigot she would never be able to accept
the person I truly was. I blinked away a tear as I was forced to face a
humbling fact; our marriage was truly over. Either I carried on with this ghost
of a life, pretending to Bella and the world or I divorced and pursued
something else.
As I fired the engine, one single thought was burning in me; I needed to go
back to Edward's office.
I was restless all morning - glancing every five minute at the time on my
computer, hoping it would suddenly jump to quarter to twelve. I still wasn't
sure I liked where this obsession was leading me, nor even how I had become so
hooked in such a little time; but I suddenly couldn't bear to imagine my life
without that tiny hour-long break in that room which felt like a different
world. One thought was scaring me, though – maybe it wasn't the office so much
as it was Edward that made me feel so free. I definitely didn't like where that
was leading me however, and I buried the thought deeply.
I droned through endless meetings, until I finally could stride out of my
office and announce happily, "I'm going out to lunch," to Leah as though I had
won the lottery. It took me a while to decide what to buy for the lunch itself,
though. Edward had a fine taste in food, and bringing him cold noodles just
wouldn't cut it. In the end I went for sushi, thinking that if he still cooked
all his food it wouldn't be something he'd had in a while.
I was steeling myself to get by the watchdog, Rose; but I had a stroke of luck,
Edward himself stormed in just as the secretary and I were about to start
wrestling over it.
"Here again?" the cold voice asked.
I wheeled around and grinned sheepishly, exclaiming, "Yup!"
He glared at me for a couple seconds before declaring, "You've wasted your time
and money. Rose, next time he shows up, please call security." He made to walk
past me, but I planted myself firmly in his step.
"Not hungry?" I asked. I wasn't sure whether there was anything I wouldn't do
to get in there...
He scowled at me, before answering, "I am hungry, but I've had enough of you."
He tried to skid around me, but I was quicker, preventing him to get through
again.
"This is ridiculous, want me to - ?" the secretary asked.
I interrupted her, "Why don't you want me here?"
He squared his jaw. "None of your business, Black, now leave."
I stood my ground. "No. Not until you give me an honest answer."
There was a pause and then he huffed, before snapping at me, "Fine, come in and
much good may it do you."
I couldn't help but grin at the Cerberus as I followed Edward through the gates
of heaven. My hosts' glares or cold tone did not phase me; I was so happy to be
allowed another hour in that place where I could once again find Jacob, the
real one.
He stepped into his office and slumped into the nearest couch. I mirrored him,
before gently putting the white plastic bag on the low table. "Sushi, today,"
his icy expression melted somewhat, and he sat up straighter to take the
platter of rice and fish sushi I was handing him.
Just like yesterday, I toed my shoes off and snuggled into the comfy couch, the
platter on my knees, picking at the food slowly. I let out a low contented
sigh, and yet again this feeling of complete harmony with myself filled me to
the brim.
"Still not going to explain why you're here, looking about ready to nest all
night on my couch?" Edward asked, and although his voice still had a slight
sneer to it, the tone was warmer than ever before.
I focused my eyes on him, and again had to fight the impulse to let everything
burst out. I looked away for a second, before saying with unveiled hope,
"You'll have to get a few beers in me before I start blabbing about my life."
Edward raised his eyebrows, looking thoroughly unimpressed, before diving back
to his platter. I can't say I wasn't disappointed; I had hoped he would be
curious enough to suggest we went out for a cold beer, but obviously that
wasn't the case. I shook my head slowly; what was I really hoping for anyway?
The answer to that was relatively easy. I wanted someone who really knew me,
someone I could talk to, someone who wouldn't judge - someone I could open up
to... a friend, or even more than that... maybe after all these years in a
pretence marriage, I was simply craving someone to love, and someone to love me
back. Human warmth, the knowledge there was someone, somewhere on the planet,
whom I would always be able to count on, whom I would always be able to go to.
The kind of person that had been blatantly missing in my life for much too many
a year; that had to be why I was unconsciously reaching out to Edward.
Having figured that out, I took a deep breath and asked in a hesitant voice,
"Would you maybe want us to go for drinks sometimes?"
His voice turned ice cold again, "Why, so we can sit in silence for an hour at
the pub, sipping two beers?" He picked angrily at the last sushi and swallowed
it whole before throwing the platter on the table.
I lowered my head, heart dropping slightly. I was going about this the wrong
way... and why the hell did I have to try and make friends with an ex-
boyfriend? Well, the answer to that one was easy too... he knew me inside out.
"Edward... I – I know I haven't been very talkative... but couldn't we... I
don't know... try to be friends or something?" I clenched my teeth before
blurting out, "I need a friend, ok? That's why I've been coming here, that's
why I'm hoping you'll agree to have a cold beer sometime."
Edward sat down slowly, looking conflicted. After a beat he whispered, "I
can't. I'm sorry."
I wasn't going to give up easily, though, "Why not? You've let me come in
here... it's not been too horrible, has it?"
He let out a loud breath, before admitting, "You haven't changed... you're
still so damn... cute." My stomach fluttered a little, it had been years since
anyone had praised my looks "Monday you were looking so miserable, yet so
hopeful, I couldn't find it in me to refuse. I told myself I'd cut ties with
you after that, but when you showed up today again, with those bloody puppy-dog
eyes... I'll only admit it this once, I've always had a weak spot for you. But
I can't give you more than an hour here. We've been down this road before and
I'm not planning on going down that rabbit hole again."
I showed my palms, pleading with him, "I'm only asking for one drink. If you
don't like it, I won't bother you again."
I saw him bite the inside of his lip, and I thought he was going to cave in;
but he suddenly stood up and walked resolutely to the door. "I can't, Black. I
can't be your friend, and I can't go out with you as though we didn't have a
lot of history together."
I put my shoes back on, collected all the trash and joined him at the door.
"Ed, just please-"
The slap resounded like a gunfire in the office and my head was jerked to the
side, making my neck hurt. Anger was radiating from Edward as he told me in a
deadly voice, "It's Doctor Cullen to you, or Edward. Ed is for friends, and if
you're wondering why you don't qualify, try to remember just how we parted
sixteen years ago."
Holding my smarting cheek, I wasn't feeling slightly aggrieved at being slapped
by a man. On the other hand, all my carefully erected walls were crumbling, and
all my cautiously buried secrets and guilts were clawing their way up to the
surface. My closet, not contending with having me deeply hidden within, also
had to contend with a few skeletons.
I swallowed, blinked a few times before scampering away. Just as I was leaving
the building, a hospital flashed before my eyes and I very nearly spread myself
onto the side-walk. I shook my head like a bull trying to get rid of flies,
before unsteadily going to my car.
I sat down heavily, and shut the door. This time a hospital room flashed before
my eyes. I let my head fall down in my hands. For the first time I wished I had
a driver, I wouldn't be able to drive through London with these flashes.
I stayed unmoving for a long while... recalling those deeply buried memories;
the months with Edward. I started to remember how it was, being twenty, being
carefree. I also started to remember the burning love that consumed me wholly.
I shook my head in my hands; how could I have mistaken the travesty of love I
had with Bella with the real thing, the thing I only had once, the thing I had
with Edward? How could I have thought we'd be good together, when she didn't
know the first thing about me?
What, did I expect her to find out on her own? There was no way in hell she'd
have found out unless I had told her myself! What the fuck had gone through my
head? How could I have been so f-ing stupid?
I clenched my jaw and banged my fist on the steering wheel. I jerkily rammed
the key in the ignition and fired the engine.
"You're such a fucking loser," I told myself angrily. There was only one reason
I hadn't told anyone, so I added "You're a loser and a bloody coward, Black."
I drove to the office, kicking myself all the way. My anger only subsided when
I got another flash that almost caused an accident; a twenty year-old Edward
lying in a hospital bed, looking broken.
Halfway there, I made a snap decision of leaving Leah a message.
"Leah, it's Jake. I'm not feeling great, please cancel today's meetings and
reschedule the important ones for later this week."
All I wanted was to curl up in a bed, but I couldn't go home or Bella would be
on the case. I shook my head sadly as I realized that the only place I could go
except home was my office... to the personal suite that I would have to lock,
in order to get some privacy. How pitiful was that, having to go to the office
to mope? When did my life get this... this horrible? How could I let it get so
bad?
I reached the room without further incidents, and locked myself in as planned.
I turned the stereo on to The Cranberries, which I knew had been Edward's
favourite band, back in the time. I kicked my shoes off, ripped my tie off,
fumbled to get my shirt open and flung myself onto the couch.
I heaved a deep sigh. The flashes kept coming, wordless pictures of how I left
Edward lying in that hospital bed, of how I had let the love of my life down.
I closed my eyes. How could I be so insensitive? What a question! I've always
been an insensitive ass, that's what brought Edward and me together the first
time... my insensitive, selfish attitude. How could I have tried to get back in
touch so carelessly as though nothing had happened? Well, I might have aged,
but I just proved I was just as insensitive as ever.
Memories came flooding back, a tidal wave of emotions... pain, anguish, despair
and longing. How I had looked for Edward... I had been reduced to begging my
father to tell me where he had gone, I had gone to Edward's parents who had
slammed the door in my face. I had tried so hard to find him, to tell him how
sorry I was, how utterly undeserving I was, and yet how I still selfishly
wanted another stab at happiness with him.
In the months that followed, his absence became a dull ache in my heart. Life
had turned into a variation of greys then, Edward taking colour with him as he
left my life. Or rather, I had erased colour out of my life as I had walked out
on him at that crucial moment.
Somehow, down the road, I must have deluded myself with lies and deceit. Or
maybe I had become so used to it that I had forgotten how living really felt.
Then Bella came along, making the dull ache disappear. Despite being twenty-
three or so, I had felt old and tired, but Bella had succeeded in making me
feel young again.
Did I ever love her? I know that I was convinced of it at the time. Looking
back on it, I wasn't so sure any more. Memories of the first years were rapidly
fading and I couldn't tell how I was feeling at the time any longer. I felt now
as though the marriage only really came about because I had thought it was what
everyone expected me to do... and after that, everything I had done still was
what everyone expected me to do: taking over the company, buying a house,
taking Bella to a sunny beach every year.
I sighed, that was such a cowardly way to think. It's all very good to blame
the world for my problems, but there was only one person responsible for how my
life turned out; myself. I shook my head slowly; despite calling myself a man
like any other, despite my depiction as a strong straight man during all these
years, I was lacking in one department: balls.
Not that it was news to me; I have always been something of a coward, a fact I
had been made painfully aware of when Edward took me in seventeen years ago. A
fact I was forced to face again, and it couldn't be simple coincidence that it
happened when my former male lover was making a guest appearance in my life. He
had changed me for the better all those years ago, and now he had somehow made
me start to grow a set... or rather, I was forced to grow a set if I ever
wanted to become his friend.
I squared my jaw; I was the only one responsible for the mess in my life, and I
would be the one to make it right.
***** Mind your P's and Q's ! *****
5. Mind your P's and Q's
"Mr Black? Sir?" Leah called.
"I'm in my private room!" I called back, massaging my temples. The day had been
long, and I wasn't exactly impatient to get home. Though I prided myself on
being a humane CEO, I had to admit that it also increased productivity and
profits. However, the nurses I employed had been on strike on and off for a
week, claiming: understaffed, overworked, and underpaid. After long, tense
negations, salaries increased by five per cent with a slight increase in the
workforce. The employees had grudgingly agreed to return to work, and the mess
seemed to be over.
Of course, I also had dealt with the other mess. Edward's drug had proven to be
better than anyone thought it would be. James' company had run incredibly swift
tests and released the results; next step, human trials. At the rate it was
going, the drug would reach the market within six months.
The deputy CEOs, who were not happy, had been giving me the third degree. The
minority share-holders weren't happy either, but they could go fuck themselves
for all I cared. To make things worse, tabloids, delighted that golden boy
Black had committed his first grave mistake, had jumped on the occasion to drag
my good name through the mud.
I couldn't say that I really cared what the press said or people thought about
me, but it was fairly irritating to hear the journalists sneer slightly each
time they talked about me – which seemed to be at least once a day of late.
Bella, who had probably not understood a single thing about the deal, was
furious, saying all of her friends were joking about her and whatnot. I rolled
my eyes, bitch sat at home enjoying my bank account but she still thought it
was a personal affront whenever I fucked up. And to make the whole thing all
the more infuriating, this was the first f-ing time I really messed up in
business!
Then there was the slight twinge in my stomach at every single lunch, which I
now spent secluded in my private quarters at work, playing the last
conversation with Edward over and over in my head. That, and the horrifyingly
depressing thought that he would probably be the only one to offer me any
comfort about the whole deal mess, although he was the winner of the story and
had well afforded the right to gloat.
Three weeks. Three weeks since that lunch when he had slapped me so hard I had
to explain to Bella why my cheek had blue fingerprints painted on.
"Sir, the workers are coming in tomorrow to re-model your father's office, so I
had to have it emptied. I took the liberty of rifling through his... stuff, for
lack of a better word, and there was a whole box of non work-related documents.
What shall I do with them?" Leah had poked her head through the door, holding
out a cardboard box, the kind with a lid on.
"Give them here; I'll have a look at it." This is exactly what I needed; to
dive into someone else's life to forget about my own world. I plopped on the
carpeted floor as she handed me the box.
"Oh, and your wife called, she wants to know when you'll be home." Leah said,
sounding strained. I knew my PA was very irritated with Bella, and I couldn't
blame her. Leah had enough to deal with without my wife calling her five times
a day as she had been doing.
I sighed, glancing at the clock, seven... "Text her back, I'll be there around
eight." Leah nodded wordlessly and left, closing the door behind her. I opened
the box gingerly and to my surprise found it full to the brim with letters, all
grouped in thick wads.
I picked the top bunch carefully and took the elastic that was holding them
together off. There must have been dozens of letters, each preserved in an open
envelope. They were all to Dad's old address with a vaguely familiar writing.
Dad had also dated each one of them in a corner, so I flicked through them and
picked the oldest one first.
My hands were shaking slightly, what were all these letters, who were they
from, and why hadn't he ever told me he had such contacts? I took the older
letter out of its envelope, unfolded it gently and read on.
Dear Billy,
I shouldn't be surprised you found out where I am, you've always had a way to
get what you wanted, haven't you? Before I say anything, I must ask you to
swear never to tell Jacob that you have contacted me, and more importantly
where I am !
I cannot honestly say that I am well, no. I'm not going to lie; your son hurt
me badly. I was a wreck for a few months, and my best friend was so worried
about my state that he had me move in with him and his boyfriend. Things got so
bad that he wanted to check me into the hospital on suicide watch. I won't say
that it was entirely your son's fault, but he made things considerably worse.
He fled when I most needed his support.
Things are a bit better now, but I still feel like a ghost of my former self.
I've managed to scrape acceptable grades and somehow got myself a Ph.D.
position (to be honest, it was more a combination of my best friend and
parent's work, they were the one who handled everything).
I know that my words will probably make you feel rather guilty; as you said
yourself, you were the one to make our paths cross. Please don't feel badly,
you could not have known that your son was bisexual, or that we would fall in
love. Anyway, I am sure all of this will pass in time; all young men and women
fall in love and have their heart broken, no? It's life, and I learned long ago
that life is not fair, you need to be strong and face what comes your way.
Though I cannot say that I have forgotten about Jacob, or even ceased to love
him, I am determined to get passed all this. I have been seeing a rape
counsellor, which has been of tremendous help. I'm able to focus on my work
again, and the doctor I work for is very happy with my work.
Please don't burden me with news about your son; that is truly the last thing I
want to hear.
Wishing you well,
Edward
I hiccupped, halfway to a sob, as tears slowly trailed down my nose, suicide
watch? I stared into the void for a while. My body moved as though belonging to
a foreign person, I saw my hands pick up the second oldest letter and started
to read. This one was partly erased, as the ink Edward used slowly vanished
with time.
Dear Billy,
Thank you for your kind words, they warm my heart. I have always thought the
world of you, and this is not going to change. Thank you also, for your offer
of funding, but I am doing quite well on my own.
I am sorry, but I can't formulate an answer to your question. I can't write
about what happened... maybe a time will come when I will be able to, but that
is not now. Please don't burden Jacob with questions, he only knows I was
raped; he fled right after he found that out.
I will talk to my parents, but I really doubt they will want to see you – I
won't go into details but there were some very dark times before I recovered,
and they do not carry you or your son in their hearts. I will also offer them
your money for the hundredth time, but I really doubt they will want that
either. It is no news to you that there are things money can't -
I feverishly fumbled for the next one, which was very short.
Dear Billy,
Sorry I haven't been able to write in a couple months – so much has happened!
I've started having a social life again, even though my heart seems to be so
filled with memories of Jacob that there is place for nothing else, I have made
a few friends. I know it's early, but we've been talking about our futures
(yes, those are friends from the lab I work in) and we thought setting up our
own lab would be a hell of an idea! So I've been running around like a headless
chicken to see what we would need and so on. I'll tell you more as soon as I
can.
Sorry I don't have time to write more,
Edward
My throat constricted and my eyes blurry, I picked the next one up.
Dear Billy,
Gosh, I'm so sorry; it's been almost a year since I last wrote to you! To be
honest, I've been trying my best to forget all about you and your son, and
writing to you seemed to be counter-productive in that aspect.
First, NO, do NOT tell Jacob where to find me. I understand you're worried
about him, but frankly I'm annoyed at your selfishness. He might be your son,
but how can you ask me to consider talking to him? That will not happen in this
life-time.
Since I'm writing to you, I might as well face it; I can't forget about him. My
heart clenches each time I hear of someone called Jacob or Jake, and I haven't
been able to bring myself to throw out the only picture of us I have left. It's
a picture we took when he and I were down in Madrid on our Easter Break...
thinking of our times makes me indescribably sad and I have a very hard time
imagining I will ever be that happy again.
I have to say, your offer is tempting... I'll let you know how that little
project of mine works out, call it NA for now, NeuroAction Labs!
Best,
Edward
Tears were pouring out of my eyes and dropping onto my lap. I carried on. The
next letter was blotched, as though someone had cried reading it... or writing
it.
Billy,
I'm sorry I haven't written to you in a long time – again. But at least this
time we have corresponded by email... I don't know how to say this... things
are going bad again. Well, you know what happened, I won't force myself to
write it.
Friends tried to help, but gave up after a while. I feel alone, I don't know
who to go to.
Please help me.
I sobbed uncontrollably this time, as I read Edward's short letter, before
picking up the next one.
Billy,
I will never be able to express how grateful I am. Thank you so much for taking
me in when I was lost. You steered me through the darkness, and I know what to
do, now. Thank you too, for your offer to stay at your house; I will gladly
take you up on that. I'll be in London next week; can I treat you to dinner?
NA is a go! Thanks to your funds I've been able to start it up on my own, would
you believe it? I certainly don't!
Please, don't tell Jacob about me. And please, though I will be in London,
please don't badger me to meet him, or I'll just leave; I truly have no wish to
see him. I'm trying to turn my life around again, and it's not easy. I have no
friends, no one to support me but you; please don't ask this of me, I'm doing
the best I can.
Best,
Edward
I continued to read the letters avidly, and eventually I reached an un-opened
one, which must have arrived after Dad died. Edward wished that Dad healed
quickly and expressed his hopes that everything else was ok. It said NA was
thriving, and Edward was fairly happy with his lot in life.
Little by little, I pieced together disparate fragments to the life of the man
I had loved. There were a few parts that struck a chord, 'my heart seems to be
so filled with memories of Jacob that there is place for nothing else'or 'My
heart clenches each time I hear of someone called Jacob or Jake, and I haven't
been able to bring myself to throw out the only picture of us I have left'which
was the exact way I had felt. And how many times had I wished that I had a
trace of our times together, pictures or short clips? The only thing that
remained was the wrist chain, which I probably treasured over anything else I
had.
I put the last letter down, and folded all of them, before gently putting them
back in their envelope, stacking them together chronologically and pressing the
bunch of letters against my chest. My heart was bleeding out, and I was feeling
too many different emotions to identify one or make any sense of the mess. I
simply sat there a while, tears still streaking down my nose.
I didn't understand. How could I have been so oblivious? How could I have not
known that Edward was at my father's house, in London, while I was getting
married a few paces away? How could Dad not have told me? He knew what Edward
meant to me, he knew!
I shook my head free of questions and let my heart take over. There was
something I needed to do; there was something I was going to do. Drying the
tears with my arms, I strode out of the office, letters still clutched tightly
to my chest. New tears trickled down; I couldn't seem to stop crying.
The whole trip was a blur, and I wasn't sure how I managed to get myself to NA,
vision dizzy and heart bleeding. Without a second's hesitation, I marched into
the building and walked up to the secretary who was still working at this late
hour.
She looked up and her eyes widened; I must have been quite a sight, crying,
hair dishevelled, shirt open near my throat... "Is Ed here?" I asked in but a
whisper.
She stared at me, looking shocked, before nodding slowly and patching me
through. I walked, unsteadily, towards Edward's office and knocked weakly,
letters still tightly held in my grip.
"Come in," came the muffled voice, sounding tired.
I entered to find Edward sitting at his desk, poring over a thick file. I
closed the door silently behind me and went to stand in front of his desk. It
took a second for him to look up, but if he felt anything at seeing me there he
hid it well, if my state surprised him, he didn't let it show.
His voice was gentle when he asked, "Black, what is happening?"
I lowered my eyes, not able to bear the idea of crossing his gaze. In a dead
tone, I said, "Edward, I'm here because I need to apologize for leaving you
sixteen years ago. I could say that I freaked out and never meant to hurt you,
but that would sound like I'm trying to come up with excuses, and trying to
excuse what I did would be an insult to you. I want you to know that I never
meant to hurt you, and that now I have a small idea of just how much damage I
did."
I brought the letters to my chest, and waited for him to saying something,
anything, keeping my eyes on my side of his desk. After a horribly long
silence, he asked in a flat voice, "What is bringing this up?"
I swallowed, shame trickling in from the top of my head. "I read the letters
you wrote sent to Dad... and most of all..." I choked up, and couldn't
continue. I wanted to say that I needed him, that I needed a friend, someone to
talk to, and someone I could be myself with. I wanted to say that the last
weeks had been torture; I wanted to beg for some kind of affection, for a
chance at being friends again.
But I just couldn't. Asking this of Edward after reading the letters was the
acme of selfishness. Still, I felt like I hadn't been selfish in sixteen years,
and I badly wanted to be now, and ask for that one thing. I knew it would
torture him. After spending years trying to forget about me, this was probably
the worst thing I could ask for; but I still wanted to ask. I was feeling so
low, so miserable that I wanted to do something for me, and only me for the
first time in sixteen years, for the first time since I left him lying in that
hospital room.
I heard Edward stand up, and I closed my eyes. I was still crying, and I
couldn't look up to face him. If he wanted to slap me again, I would let him
before walking away. I was ready to accept whatever he sent my way.
I almost jumped when I felt a gentle hand giving a reassuring squeeze to my
shoulder. "Come, let's sit down." I opened my eyes shyly and let him guide me
to the nearest couch. I slumped down onto it, and he sat on the table; we were
knee to knee, and there was no escaping his piercing eyes.
His voice was gentle again when he spoke up, "Listen, I wrote those letters a
very long time ago. They were written by a young man with a young man's heart,
and a young man's clouded mind. I remember the first ones, I was so angry at
the world that I put the darkest of me under Billy's nose so he would be forced
to see what you did. I can't say that I have forgotten, or even forgiven; but I
see things differently. Billy told me how you were when you came home from the
hospital, and in the following months. I know you suffered a lot too."
He squared his jaw a couple times before saying slowly, "Despite what I told
you a few weeks ago, I'm not angry any longer, I'm sorry I lashed out, but you
were so damn pushy! When I said that you hadn't changed much, I meant it, I saw
a glimpse of the cute teenager of long ago, the young man I fell in love with."
He slowed down even more, as though the words hurt him, and they probably did,
"I like you, Black. I understand you want a friend, and I can't say it isn't
something that I desire too." He sighed before adding, "I know I was harsh last
time you came, but I had to make you understand that we cannot just sweep it
all under the rug. But now, seeing you like this..." He shook his head, "You
seem to understand that we can't forget about the past, and if I have to be
completely honest, I like to have you around; but you can't expect us to become
best friends in two days."
I let out a deep breath, and noticed my hands were shaking. I clutched the
letters tighter with one of them and held on to my knee with the other. I
looked right into Edward's beautiful green eyes and whispered, "Thank you."
Gratitude was pouring out of me, the stream of tears abating as I blinked the
last remains away.
He smiled at that, before asking in a whisper too, "Will you tell me why you
say that you need a friend? Why you've been coming to my office and nesting
here like it is your private haven?"
I chuckled wetly, "You know me too well..." This time I looked down shamefully
as the dreaded words left my mouth, "No one knows I'm bisexual, let alone
anything else about my sexual inclinations." I swallowed thickly, my face
heating up in embarrassment. There had been a time when discussing my
orientation with Edward had been easy, but now it felt like the worst of shames
again. "In here, with your bloody rainbow wall, I can be myself. You know who I
am; I don't need to tell you. I can tell you stuff and I know you won't judge."
His strong hand gently picked up my own, which was still resting on my knee,
and I relished the strong hand; that simple contact which was enough to make me
feel safe. It was the kind of affection I had been ready to beg for, and Edward
was offering it to me freely. "Look at me, Jacob." And for the first time, he
called me by my first name. I looked up at him with some kind of desperate
hope.
"I'll be your friend, Jacob. You're right, you can tell me anything, and I
won't judge you on who you are, or what you yearn for. Be yourself, everyone
should have the right to be himself all the time, but if you can't in your
everyday life, now you know you can be yourself with me." Tears of gratitude
welled up in my eyes.
Just as the full scope of what he was offering really hit me, the burn of shame
eclipsed all else again. I lowered my eyes, "Edward... I feel so selfish for
asking this of you. I'm so sorry for coming to you with this, but I hope you
can understand, you're the only one. There is no one else I could turn to, even
if I wanted to. Now that I've read these letters, I feel so badly, you have no
idea. You just gave me the one thing that would make me happy ... considering
what I've done and what I put you through, it's so unfair of me to-"
"Shh. Jacob, let us leave the past in the past for now. We'll have to tackle it
someday, but not before we have gotten to know each other again. For now, let's
just enjoy our new forming friendship... taste freedom. Enough heavy for one
night." I closed my eyes in relief. I knew that someday I would have to endure
the obliterating guilt for the pain he went through, but he was right, I
wouldn't be able to take much more tonight.
I took a deep breath, and looked up at him again, smiling. He brought his lower
lip up, and I knew he understood exactly what I was going through. I had found
a friend who not only knew me inside out, but understood me before even I did.
My heart fluttered at the thought, and I felt as though I was floating on a
little cloud, far away from any worries.
His mouth pulled into a slight smirk, "Now, how about you bring some Indian
take-out tomorrow? I'm craving a curry!"
***** One step forward, Two steps back *****
6. One step forward, two steps back
Bella was wearing her sexiest outfit, the one she took out when I was too busy
to spend steamy nights with her. Usually, it would get me hard and excited just
thinking about what would follow. Usually I really would have spent a couple
weeks working my ass off.
Tonight, though, I didn't so much as blink. I was already in bed, in my
pyjamas, ready to fall asleep. Tonight, I was wishing there was a way I could
sleep in another bed and as opposed to usually I hadn't been working my ass
off. For the last few weeks, the idea of getting anywhere near a naked Bella
was nothing short of a repulsive notion. Not only that, but letting her
anywhere near my naked body was just as disturbing.
If I had had to describe our sex life a couple months back, I would have used
the word 'healthy'. Now I was quite certain that I wouldn't be able to so much
as get it up for her. Strangely, the idea of being somewhat impotent with my
wife wasn't disconcerting; on the other hand, it was really quite pleasing. Who
would want to fuck an insensitive homophobic bitch anyway? Certainly not me!
Fortunately, this hadn't been brought on by a certain person, or a certain
event. The contrary would have been positively scary, it would have meant that
I was starting to have feelings for Edward, something I couldn't fathom. I knew
that I had been slowly growing out of love for quite some time, and that had to
be the reason for these new feelings of repulsion for my own wife; not only
that, but her bigotry, close-mindedness and absence of humanity.
I turned to face my night-stand, making sure to get the message through 'not
tonight'. If there had been any way of making her understand 'or any other
night', I would probably have done it too, but I couldn't bring myself to say
it. That would mean getting a divorce, simply put. That would mean putting all
the ugly truths out there; that would mean splashing our lives for Rupert
Murdoch to write about.
I wasn't ready for that. I already knew that it was the end-game; I couldn't
possibly stay with Bella much longer now that her naked body repulsed me, but I
needed a little time. I closed my eyes, and let myself fantasize. Some day, I
would be with someone like Edward, love him more than the world, I would be out
of my closet and we would be officially dating. He would be able to come to my
office and claim my mouth openly before taking my hand and taking me to lunch.
We would be living together without the need to hide.
My heart lurched. God I wished that this could be my life right now. I wished I
didn't have to wait until I scraped the courage up. At least I was able to face
the truth again; I was able to look myself in the mirror and admit that I was
bisexual, maybe even gay. I could speak about my sexuality openly to Edward
without lowering my eyes and burning with shame. I was proud of the little step
I had taken, but I knew that the road was still long.
"Jake?" Bella asked rather dryly. I let out a small breath; I had tried to get
Edward to call me 'Jake' instead of 'Jacob' for the past week without pushing
too much, but had been unsuccessful so far. Funnily enough, I wished I could
slap Bella's hands away from me and snap 'Jake is for friends only!' But no, I
had married her, and now I had to live with it.
"Yes dear?" I answered, remaining stubbornly lying on my side. I reached out to
turn the light off before quickly diving back under the cover before she had
the time to get near my naked skin. For the past few days I had been thanking
my wife's slight OCD decision for each of us to have our own cover; she would
have a hard time slinking her hand onto me. I also silently vowed to buy myself
one of those long-sleeved pyjamas and the pair of PJ pants to go with it,
instead of the shorts I usually wore. Then I'd only need a baklava and thick
woolen socks and I'd be left alone. Well, I would probably melt before I even
fell asleep seeing as I was usually ten degrees too hot, but it felt like a
small price to pay.
"Jake, when are we going to try for a child?" I rolled my eyes. Give it up...
there was no way I would even consider burying myself in a cheating homophobic
brat, even less conceiving children with one. If I did, I'd want to raise the
kids myself to make sure they turned out alright, which wasn't possible seeing
as I was CEO of a large company. And to top it all, I'd need Viagra to get
hard, and probably a hard dick slowly sliding up and down my crack to bring
myself off.
I closed my eyes again. This was the first time I had a remotely gay sexual
thought ... and it was turning me on. Jesus, I just hoped Bella didn't notice
or she'd jump on the occasion. Seeing as she still required an answer, I
admitted, "I don't know. I've been thinking that I should hire someone so I
could take some time off..." It was perfectly true, I found myself wanting some
time off. Edward only worked four days a week for example, alternating between
working Monday through Thursday one week and Tuesday through Friday the next –
that way he got a four-day weekend every other week. Then again, his company
was small, and he had a right-hand man on whom he could rely.
The idea was awfully tempting; it had gotten me to imagine what I could do with
all that free time... things I hadn't done in over fifteen years... things I
hadn't even considered doing in that long. I would start by spending a whole
actual day with Edward. We'd go to Soho and mingle with the other gays there,
maybe go to Soho Square on a sunny day and lie around all day, doing nothing
more than chatting and relaxing.
I huffed; I'd probably have to find someone else to do that, since Edward
disappeared on his free days and flatly refused to tell me what he was up to.
Still, having time on my own, without having to spend every waking minute at
work or with Bella seemed like a dream to me.
"Really? That'd be great! Do you know when that would happen?" Bella sounded
much too thrilled.
I wanted to say 'not anytime before the divorce', as I knew there would be no
way to worm myself out of love-making leading to procreation, but again, I
couldn't. Maybe there was still a small part of me that loved my wife... maybe
there was still a small part of me that wished we could mend our marriage?
"I don't know... sometime after New Year, at the earliest. Probably not before
six to twelve months." Finding someone who I trusted enough wouldn't be easy
and besides that I didn't want the pressure of coming out before I was ready.
The one time I had done that had turned out disastrous... it was when I had
been in love with Edward and we hadn't talked in three weeks. In any case, this
would hopefully keep Bella off my back while not being an outright lie.
As she appeared to be somewhat satisfied, I let my mind wander back to the
delicious fantasy I had been having. After Edward, I had tried going out with
guys for a little while; mostly strolling websites for Dominants. I think that
it was some attempt to find my lover, because I sure as hell wasn't ready to
date anyone. I didn't let anyone near my ass for example, as much as I was
willing to give blowjobs and get tied up in light bondage, there were strict
limits.
No one was good enough though, and that was probably because not a single one
was Edward. I remember feeling like I still belonged to him; which was probably
why I kept my ass for him. It was weird, seeing as I knew deep down that even
if I did find him, our relationship was destroyed far too much to pick it up
again. Still, I never really stopped hoping, and if I one day found him; I
wanted to pledge that since I had given my anal virginity to him, I hadn't let
anyone soil me.
Now what? If I did find a guy I liked, would I be able to give myself fully to
him? If I found a strong guy who was willing to take me on as his submissive
boyfriend, I would have to offer myself up. Trouble was, I wasn't really sure
I'd be able to... I still wore the golden wrist-chain that Edward gave me
seventeen years ago when we fell in love. I knew Edward himself didn't wear his
any longer; we had decided to wear the same chain as some mark of love. He wore
one very similar, but it was entirely black, and I couldn't find it in myself
to ask what exactly it meant.
I had almost stopped wearing my wedding ring altogether; it was stowed in my
car unless I was with Bella. I wasn't too sure why I didn't want to wear it or
more accurately why I didn't want Edward to know I was married. I was quite
certain that he would hate to find out that I had been holding out on him...
then again, it wasn't like I had lied or whatever. I just hadn't opened up
about my whole life; he couldn't blame me for that.
Still, of late I had found myself increasingly wishing to fall asleep with my
back to some rock-hard abs and strong arms around me. I wanted to have that
feeling of security which I was providing for Bella. I wanted the right to be
the weak one, to feel supported and loved. I fell asleep, straining my memory
to remember how it felt, being with a man.
The next day was a Tuesday, and I was really antsy. I hadn't been in that
wonderful rainbow office since Thursday, and I was finally going to be able to
return today. The whole NA deal still hadn't blown over, and I was still taking
heat for it, no matter how many times I reminded everyone just who the CEO was.
To add to it, the trashy tabloids had started digging dirt on me; it seemed
sullying my good name was trendy. They hadn't found much, thank God, a few old
police reports from my turbulent teen years, my disparate university education
and that was it.
Bella had assailed me that morning, trying to weasel out of me a precise date
for my appointing some help; she probably already tried to decide when the best
night for conception would be and when she was likely to give birth. I could
already see her strolling shops for baby furniture... I really needed to make
sure she never got a definite answer.
My eyes were flicking towards my watch much too regularly, and the managers I
had a meeting with would probably not take it well; but fuck, I could afford
it. At precisely eleven thirty, I adjourned the meeting and marched out before
any of them had the time to react. My new lunch habits hadn't escaped anyone,
but no one had dared to comment on them. I now flew out of the building well
before noon and didn't reappear before one or one thirty unless it was Edward's
day off or I had something really urgent to deal with.
I knew Edward really limited his lunch break, so any minute I showed up late
was lost. It wasn't really a bad thing, if he wasn't so damn strict I probably
wouldn't return to the office in the afternoon. I would have been very happy
staying snuggled up on his couch all day. Fuck, I would live on that couch if I
could.
He had offered to buy me lunch a few times, but there was no way I was going to
accept that; I was already cramping his style, the least I could do was buy the
food myself. He wasn't a picky eater, so choosing something was only putting a
strain on my imagination; as much as I wanted to bring something new each day,
repeats weren't excluded. The one time he had turn his nose down on the food
was when I had gone for a hamburger – a pricey gourmet one, not a MacDonald's
type one. Still lesson learned: no fast food.
That day I picked up Chinese takeout; duck with fried rice. Rather rich but so
sue me, I was hungry. Nearly running to his office, I opened the door with the
brand new key card Edward had given me, not sparing a glance for the guard dog.
I knew she didn't like me, but seeing as the feeling was mutual, I didn't give
a damn.
About a week earlier, I had showed up at Edward's office to find him sitting
comfortably and saw a pass card and a key on the table. He had explained that
he really liked our lunches, and that he wanted to make things easier for me.
The pass was a basic low security one which only allowed access to the
building, but it was more than enough for me.
The key was infinitely more valuable as it was the key to his office. He had
said that he wanted me to feel at home as much as possible considering it was
an office; that I was free to come whenever I wanted even if he wasn't there. I
had used the key only once; after a particularly depressing rant of Bella's
against gay marriage in the UK, I had stormed out and taken refuge in the
office. Simply shutting myself in there had made me feel loads better, and in
that moment I had fervently praised Edward's name.
I made my way to the office, and for the first time found the door standing
ajar. A heated discussion was coming from within.
"Why the hell can we never have lunch together?" asked a voice I didn't
recognize.
"I have other engagements, as I keep telling you." Edward sounded slightly
grazed.
"And what are those other engagements?"
"None of your business," came Edward's sharp reply. I bit my lip, wanting to
hear more yet loathed intruding on Edward's privacy after everything he had
done; I knocked on the door, peaking in. My friend was sitting comfortably on
one of the couches, looking supremely unconcerned, while the other guy was
standing across from him, looking very concerned. He was a Latino clad in a
very tight white T-shirt which moulded to his impressive muscles. Dark hair cut
short for a spiky style, browns eyes and a very sharp-looking face.
"Come in!" Edward called when he heard me knock.
The guy turned to me and scowled, before turning back to Ed, "So this is why
I'm being kicked out?" This? Who the hell did that guy think he was?
Edward sighed, but didn't look up, "Yes, I am having lunch with Jacob here.
I'll see you Friday." The guy flashed a hurt expression before storming towards
the door, knocking my shoulder with his as hard as possible on the way out. I
closed the door behind him and plopped down on the empty couch.
Raising my eyebrows slightly, I asked, "Who was that?"
Edward gave another sigh, still not meeting my eyes, "His name is Paul. Good
guy, but way too overbearing."
I hesitated a pace before asking, "Want to talk about it?" This brought
Edward's piercing green eyes to me and I immediately back-tracked, "But if you
don't want to you really don't need to."
His icy demeanour melted somewhat, "I'm fine, but thanks for asking."
I handed him a plastic plate and cutlery, before opening the two boxes of food.
I served myself a large portion, wishing he would confide in me like he used
to. He was still staring at me when I looked up; he frowned and asked, "What
about you? You don't look so good."
My turn to sigh, "Nothing major."
The corner of his mouth twitched, "So you keep your secrets and I keep mine,
huh?"
"Yeah," I answered, annoyed with both of us, "looks that way."
He took some food and just as he was about to start eating exclaimed, "Oh! I
nearly forgot to tell you! I'm going away on holiday Friday. I'll be away all
of next week and won't be back before the Tuesday after that." Friday? The same
Friday he was meeting that Paul jerk? Were they going on holiday together?
Maybe they were dating.
The information irked me. I had gone from thrilled at seeing Ed after four days
to annoyed at us keeping secrets to slightly depressed with his upcoming
holiday. "Oh," was all I found to say.
He took a mouthful which he swallowed with difficulty before saying, "The
office will be locked but you've got the key. Feel free to come by if your
secret life becomes too much."
I didn't say anything, mulling over the information I had received. The next
two weeks were going to be hell, what with Bella trying to weasel information
out of me on top of it.
After a long while, I put the plate down and sort of blurted out, "You wouldn't
want to come grab a drink with me before you leave?" I tried to keep the
desperation out of my voice, but wasn't altogether successful.
He looked genuinely sorry when he said, "I can't ... I have much too much work
to deal with before I leave."
I nodded, feeling a ball form in my throat. I looked down at my food but found
I wasn't hungry at all any longer. I was actually very tempted to just scamper
out of there.
"But we'll go as soon as I come back if you want!" He offered kindly.
I managed a small smile "Cool, thanks."
***** Impossible to hold it Inside *****
7. Impossible to hold it all inside
I was gazing at myself in the mirror, just like I had the day all this started.
This time though, I was looking at a full body mirror, and what I was seeing
wasn't pleasing me. I looked somewhat younger, but that was only because my
expression wasn't fitting for a funeral any longer.
I was standing in the bathroom in a pair of grey boxers, and I couldn't help
but think that I really would have needed to take up jogging. Now I was going
out with Edward and it was too darn late. Not that I was hoping for anything to
happen, but... well... being in a good shape and looking good couldn't hurt my
chances, right? I ran a very critical eye on my reflection and made a few
notes: invisible abs, loosening pecs, flabby ass. I scrunched my face up; if I
wanted to get it on with a hot guy, I really needed to get myself to a gym.
Huffing, I went to the bedroom to put something on for our night out. Bella
thought it was a simple boys' night out... I just didn't think it was worth
mentioning that there were only two boys, who happened to both be into guys and
also happened to be ex-lovers.
Edward came back from holiday yesterday and I immediately reminded him of his
promise. To my relief, he had readily agreed – so here I was. I wasn't sure if
I was hoping for anything in particular to happen in the relaxed atmosphere of
a pub after a few drinks. The only thing I did know was that I had started to
crave a man in my life; and not just that, but I was craving sex with a guy.
Hell, a man has needs, and now that mine weren't met by my wife any longer...
it had been about three weeks since I had gotten off, and although I wasn't
nearly as obsessed as during my teen years, I couldn't say it hadn't been on my
mind. I wanted to hold someone strong in my arm; I wanted to feel a hard dick
against me.
I squared my jaw; it wouldn't do to project these needs onto Edward, it just
wouldn't be fair to him. Plus I probably didn't have a chance in hell... still,
he knew I was gay, I knew he was gay. I wouldn't need to come out to him. I
couldn't deny that I thought he was still sexy as hell... he looked older of
course, but he was still in his prime years. He had gotten more muscular, but
retained his lean form and the same aura of power emanated from him. He still
had that Dominant's expression that made me feel so damn safe... and so damn
aroused.
I shook my head; I needed to focus on the now and the here. I had to find
something suitable to wear! I flicked through every single pair of pants I had,
but not a single one was good enough. They were all either too tight since they
were from my fit years, or too business-oriented or not classy enough.
I grunted and marched to the attic, where I knew Bella had stored some of my
clothes she didn't like. The first pair of pants was the right one; slightly
low-hanging navy blue jeans. I half-ran back to the bedroom to try them on and
as I hoped they weren't too bad. Good thing my wife wasn't home or I wouldn't
be able to act all frantic like a teenager going on his first date. The pants
were quite nice, but my waist wasn't what it had once been.
I rifled through all my tops, but this time wasn't as lucky. I had hoped for
something tight to wear, but that just showed my absence of muscle. I groaned,
the pants weren't tight either! I was meeting up with a gay hotty for Fuck's
sake; I couldn't wear my straight dating stuff! There were a few shirts that
weren't too bad, but most were either too large and didn't give a single hint
of pecs or were so tight they showed my absence of abs. I finally went with a
grey button down, feeling disappointed with my choice.
I wanted the night to go perfectly; I felt as though this was a test and if I
wanted more nights out with Edward I needed to pass. One simple week without
him was like diving back into my old life, like a cold shower. I wasn't certain
about many things, but I knew this: I was going to do my best and fight to keep
him in my life. I didn't know what I was really expecting, but I wanted him
there as a friend... at the very least.
===============================================================================
We were meeting up at a fancy pub in Piccadilly; I was outside waiting for him,
about ten minutes early. One or two people gave me looks, probably recognizing
who I was, but my stomach fluttered so much that I couldn't concentrate on
anything. I was avidly looking around, hoping, wishing to see Edward's
rebellious copper hair stand out. My phone was clutched in my right hand and I
dreaded it would buzz with a text announcing a no-show. People were streaming
around me, hurrying in the warm summer evening air.
Minutes stretched and I kept glancing at my watch, eager for the hands to reach
nine o'clock yet dreading that the fateful hour would arrive and pass without
any sign of Edward. My heart leapt when I finally caught sight of him, a few
minutes before nine. I had a hard time not staring; he had gone for extremely
tight white pants and a shirt just as tight the same copper colour as his hair.
I bit the inside of my cheek, wanting to treat him as a boyfriend and jump on
him.
He jogged to me as soon as our gazes crossed and exclaimed, "Hey!" with a shiny
smile. He was carrying one of those plastic bags that you'd receive when
clothes' shopping.
"Hey..." I replied nervously, both hands determinedly planted in my pockets to
avoid the urge to hug him.
He looked cooled down by my less than welcoming attitude and frowned, "You
alright?"
I managed a smile, "Course! Want to go in?" I was eager to get a drink; I
needed to relax. It was difficult though; all the reasons for marrying a woman
and steering clear of men hit me like a brick wall. I was feeling increasingly
nervous that anyone would guess I was gay... no, nervous was the wrong word,
terrified was more correct.
"Actually, I have a better idea. Trust me?" He asked, probing.
A wave of adrenaline washed over me and I felt my heart thump loudly. A grin
stretched on my face, I was feeling like a teenager ready for some fun; the
kind that wasn't completely legal. "Let's go!"
"Come on!" He whipped around and turned into an empty alley.
I jogged to catch up, before using some of that adrenaline to muster the
courage to say, "You look really good."
"Thanks." He eyed me critically before asking, "Been a while, huh?"
I chuckled nervously, his insight was unnerving. "Yeah... all of my clothes are
either for business or leisure."
He hummed, before smirking and saying cheekily, "One too many beers, too." He
patted my belly once, making the layer of fat there much too evident.
I blushed furiously and mumbled, "No time to go to the gym anymore." The
adrenaline had long since left, leaving me feeling hollow and down. I wasn't so
sure this evening was a good idea any more.
Edward must have noticed, because he put a strong arm around my shoulders, gave
a hearty squeeze and said in a low voice, "I'm kidding, Jacob, didn't mean to
sound that insulting." He stopped us in the middle of the alley and opened his
plastic bag, revealing a navy blue hoodie and a large pair of sunglasses.
"Here, put this on!" I took the hoodie and the glasses, looking questioningly
at him.
"I'm going to make sure you spend a night to remember. Now put this on to make
sure no one can recognize you!" He was grinning from ear to ear. His mood was
infectious, despite feeling moody a couple seconds earlier, I couldn't help but
smile shyly and put the clothes on, pulling the hood up and putting the glasses
on.
"You gonna explain?" I asked, certain he'd deny me an answer.
"Nope, but I sure hope you're going to like the surprise!" With that, he took
hold of my elbow and led me on.
I didn't focus on where he was taking me – that is, until I saw the large sign
'G-A-Y' of one of London's famous gay clubs. It was like an electric spark
coursing through me; Edward had brought us into Soho, in the heart of the gay
district.
I let him take me away from the club before planting my feet firmly and
stopping us in the middle of the street, whispering angrily, "Ed, what the fuck
are we doing here?"
He smiled and put an arm around my shoulders. "We're here to have fun, and
don't worry, no one will recognize you, just trust me, I've got it all
planned." He pulled me forward and I reluctantly followed. It didn't take long
before Edward steered us towards a discreet bar; he flashed a ticket to the
bouncer who nodded after giving me a suspicious look.
I was stiff as a board, wondering how the hell Ed could expect me to relax and
have fun, particularly considering everyone was staring at my hoodie and
glasses. I didn't have to wait; we entered a quiet, private room.
"It's alright; you can take all that off since I booked the VIP room for just
us tonight. I'm going to get us something to drink, what do you want?"
"Hum, Guinness, please." I sat on a comfy couch nervously, trying to process
everything. I peered around and satisfied that no one could possibly see me, I
pulled the hoodie over my head. I felt stiff and awkward though, and again
doubted this was a good idea; I started to wish I had stayed home.
Edward reappeared with the drinks, "Cheers!" and we took a few long gulps. The
alcohol felt good, I could already feel the dulling of my senses, and my
posture relaxed. Edward turned to a stereo and put on some music with a good
beat.
Ed handed me a shot of brown liquor, speaking loudly over the song. "Down it
and let's dance!"
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath; this was something I hadn't done in
much too long a time. I drank the rum and turned towards Edward, who was
dancing slowly and staring intently at me as though waiting for me to make a
move. For one moment, I felt like a diver about to jump; then I decided that I
needed to let go. I let the music in and started swinging my hips to the beat,
before letting the music spread in me, my body following, knowing perfectly
well what to do.
Edward turned the volume up and suddenly there was only him and the song. I let
my mind go blank and we danced, making occasional pauses to take another shot
or a gulp of cold beer. Sometimes we'd take turns, watching the other dance
eyes closed. At other times our bodies would be inches from each other, and I
could smell the strong eau de cologne that wafted from him, making me tingle
all over. One time, there was a song perfect for a slow dance and Edward gently
placed his hands on my hips before stepping in time. My mind was
extraordinarily blank, and it was sheer bliss. I couldn't even remember ever
feeling this peaceful.
It all went by much too quickly. Before I knew it, we were sitting on the same
couch, a respectable foot between us. I was feeling deliciously tipsy, head
lolling with the low music, legs smarting from the unusual effort. We had long
since resorted to cocktails.
Edward was sipping his, looking lost in thoughts. There was a question I was
burning to ask, but I didn't want to ruin the mood we had going, and I knew I
didn't have a right to pry. Still, alcohol lowers inhibitions so I asked,
"Edward?" He turned his head to me and I carried on, "You know, I read those
letters... and... there's something... I – I just... I need to know. You
mentioned suicide watch in your first letter."
He smiled gently, and I breathed, relieved he wasn't about to chop my head off.
"And you want to know if you leaving me in that hospital bed made me suicidal?"
I nodded.
He sighed softly and put his glass down, before bringing his legs up to sit
cross-legged on the sofa and turning his body to face me. "I won't deny that
there were some very dark times, but it never went that far. Emmett was worried
because I let it slip that I didn't know what to live for any longer.
Everything seemed so... pointless. But no, I never considered it. My best
friend Emmett and my parents were there, if anything I could live for them."
I hung my head in shame and whispered, "I can't begin to express how sorry I
am."
He hummed; I looked up just as he shrugged for himself, "I used to be furious
with you. Now I'm just sad it didn't work out."
I swallowed thickly, before asking the second question that had been on my mind
for weeks. "Are you happy now?"
"I've got a good job, I'm going to be rich and I've got someone to stand by my
side for social events. What more could I ask for?" His answer struck way too
close to home for me to be fooled by his deflection; no, he wasn't.
Should I call him on his half-lie? I was about to make my mind up when he
suddenly exclaimed, "My turn!" I bowed my head to him, fair is fair. "Why are
you still so afraid of coming out?"
I winced and looked away, before saying nonchalantly, "You saw what the
tabloids said about my fucking up that deal, what would you think they'd say if
I came out?"
"Oh come on! It cost me to tell you that bit about difficult times, tell me the
truth!"
I still couldn't face him "I told you the truth. I'm scared about what other
people will think and say. I'm sure you remember how much appearances matter to
me. And you know, Dad might have been ok with my not being straight, but he
never truly accepted it. He lived with it. So I did what everyone expected, I
dated girls and acted like none of it had ever happened."
"So whoever you're with doesn't know you're gay, which is why you nest in my
office, is that it?"
I swallowed, "Who said I was with someone? Besides, I already told you, except
Emmett and the boyfriend he had, no one but you knows about me."
"Knows what about you, Jacob?"
I felt my insides churn as I uttered the words I had come to hate in a shaky
voice, "I'm gay." I looked at my lap, feeling my face heat up. I felt him move
and a tentative arm around my shoulders; I let my head fall on his shoulder and
sighed in relief.
"Jacob, you don't have to be ashamed about being gay, you know."
"I wish that were true."
"I always hated your dad for making you feel like that. Look at me, Jacob." The
dominant tone of his voice made me look up at him shyly. He had a fierce
expression when he said, "We're gay, Jacob. Gay and proud! You can't live in
the shadows. People think that knowing they're gay is enough to be happy.
They're wrong. To be happy you need to be able to stride on the road head held
high. You're gay, Jacob, say it again."
"I'm gay." I said voice stronger. My insides still burned in humiliation but I
was looking at Edward who radiated with pride as he always had, and it gave me
strength.
"Hell yeah you are!" He handed me my glass, picked his up and raised it, "To
Jacob Black, gay and soon to be proud!" I chuckled and drank.
"You know, next year you're coming with me to the Gay Pride, there's a reason
it's called that, and I swear it'll make you feel better about yourself."
I nodded, determined, enough with living a lie. "I'm gay." I said to myself,
"Gay and proud." I felt his arm tightening around my shoulders in a comforting
motion. How I missed having someone to support me... how I missed feeling safe
and relaxed, knowing there was someone you could count on at one hundred
percent. I slowly let my head fall back on the strong shoulder, hoping to God
Edward wouldn't complain; it was just too good.
I have no idea how long we stayed locked in the semi-embrace.
I replayed our conversation in my head. My eyes widened and I immediately asked
in what I hoped was an unconcerned voice, "So who's the lucky guy standing by
your side for social events?"
He chuckled. "That's private." Considering that I had deflected the quibble
about Bella, I couldn't really complain.
After a while Edward sighed and said sadly, "I'm going to need to go home."
My heart clenched at the thought, I didn't want him to leave, and I didn't want
to leave him. "We're comfortable here, no?" I asked, again trying to sound
unconcerned – although this time I failed miserably.
"That's not the question. The bar closes in half an hour; it's almost 2AM..."
I bolted upright, "2AM?" I told Bella I'd be home before midnight! Shoot!
"Yeah, time makes a fool of us." Edward said, again with that touch of sadness.
I stood and started looking for my shoes and socks, which I had kicked off at
some point. Bella was going to ask questions... not good, not good at all.
"I'm going to pay and leave. I'll see you around." Edward called out with
unbearable bitterness. I barely had the time to wheel around and catch him
giving me a last glance before leaving. Trumped by his sudden disappearing act,
I stood in the middle of the room with a shoe in my hand, staring at the door.
I blinked stupidly a few times before putting my shoes on as quickly as
possible, throwing on the hoodie and glasses and storming out. It took a second
for my eyes to adjust to the darkness in the bar, but there was no sign of
Edward.
Feeling increasingly depressed, I walked out and hailed a cab; I'd have to get
my car some other day when I wasn't drunk. Once safely in the black cab, I let
my thoughts wander. What wouldn't I have given to be able to walk out of that
room holding Edward's hand, sitting snuggled up against him in the cab which
would bring us home where we would settle in bed together?
A few tears sprang to my eyes and I wiped them away. I was going home to Bella
to undergo interrogation, to settle down in the bed as far as possible from
her. I felt a surge of self-loathing; how had I let it all turn out like this?
How had I never grown the balls needed to say out loud 'Gay and Proud'? Why did
I need an ex-boyfriend to help me with that?
"I'm such a failure." I muttered in the back of the cab.
***** The Party *****
8. The Party
"Marc, I'm so glad you could be with us tonight." I welcomed warmly the guest
that had just arrived.
"Thank you Mr Black, it's always an honour to come!" Marc answered rather
formally. I smiled and waved him in.
Every year I held a... well, you couldn't call it a party, a gathering. At
first it had been a simple event for the company's managers, but it had grown
into quite a thing. Now it was one of the 'events of the year' as the tabloids
put it, all the rich, powerful and influential trying to get an invite. It was
the perfect way to get to talk to me without having to make an appointment or
whatever.
No, I was being a bit cynical. Most people had a really good time, and it was
actually quite fun to host. I was only being wry because like every year I was
at the door, welcoming people. It was a good way to greet and meet everyone,
but this particular year I was waiting for one guest that had not yet arrived;
and I was getting quite antsy.
I peeked out into the chilled October evening air, but there was still no sign
of the untidy copper hair. About a month had gone by since that pub night and
things had gotten better – and worse at the same time. Edward and I had been
out to pubs a few more times, but he had kept to straight 'regular' ones, and
when I offered to invite him back in that private VIP room he refused politely.
I had come to wonder if he wanted to avoid the close proximity it had led to or
his opening up to me ever so little.
Whatever it was, I was quite bent on getting both back; and more. For the last
two weeks I had fallen asleep thinking of the strong arm around my shoulder. I
had also tried to pry discreetly, asking questions about his past and such but
he remained closed air-tight. I couldn't stop thinking about sitting together
on the couch, almost cuddling like a couple. I was growing quite desperate to
have that again; my mind was filling desperately quickly with fantasies – even
as far as feeling his naked body pressed against mine in bed.
I knew it wasn't a good idea, I knew that it was unfair to him, but I couldn't
help it. Edward embodied everything I loved, and to top it all I didn't have to
hide anything when around him. I had honestly tried to stop myself from falling
for him; even going so far as trying to fantasize about my wife - but nothing
seemed to work. Finally, I had more or less given into temptation, and now I
was letting myself enjoy his presence.
Still, I wanted more. I had been going to the gym for the past month, every
other day, and my body was slowly trimming. It wasn't nearly as good as I
wanted it to be, but I knew it would take some time. I had also gone through
the horrendous task of clothes' shopping with Bella, before realizing she had
the wrong tastes. Nothing she wanted me to buy would ever please Edward, so I
had gone back alone and shopped to my heart's content.
All of this leading to the party; I had put quite a lot of hope in it. As every
year, the company had reserved a majestic room in Chelsea, as well as bedrooms
for whoever didn't want to take a cab home. It just so happened that one of
those bedrooms – the master suite – was booked for me. Despite the fact that I
lived about five blocks away, I had told Bella I wasn't coming home that night.
Thank God she never wanted to come to these things... it usually upset me, but
this time I couldn't be happier.
I knew I was being unreasonable, I knew my plan would most likely not work, I
knew I might even ruin the whole friendship we had going, but I was going to
try to get Edward up in that room and damn the rest to hell. There was more
than enough alcohol to get us both tipsy and careless, and my sexual drive was
more than enough to make me very forward.
I shivered, trying not to think about what could happen if things went well. I
couldn't afford to get a hard-on! Still, images were flashing in my mind,
Edward telling me what he wanted and me pleasing him in every way I could.
So far, my plan hadn't worked out as well as I'd hoped. Firstly, I wasn't
nearly as muscular and hot as I'd hoped. Sure, my belly had retreated some, but
my abs were barely visible, my ass was still way too flabby and the general
toning of my muscle was far from enough. Secondly, I had foolishly thought I'd
be able to use the clothes I had bought. I had planned on using the tight black
pants that clung very nicely to my ass and hung low on my waist as well as a
very tight blood red button-up shirt.
Unfortunately, I had completely forgotten that it would be a suit-and-tie
event, so I had had to make do with my usual attire which did really not
flatter my body. I looked mundane just like everybody else and I knew very well
that Edward wouldn't spare so much as an appreciative glance. He always looked
for the one who had the courage to stick out, that much I remembered.
I welcomed another few guests and glanced at my watch; it would be time for my
speech in fifteen. Maybe he wasn't coming? My heart dropped at the thought, I
felt like all this was for him, so if he didn't show... I squirmed at the door
for another few minutes until I had no choice but get to the podium for my
short speech.
"Everyone, please, may I have your attention!" I called out, once standing
slightly above the guests "Thank you for coming tonight, it's always a pleasure
to host the event. I'll just take a minute and then you can go back to getting
drunk!" Most chuckled heartily at that. "Now, as you know, Black's Energies'
has two main departments, health and energy. A couple weeks back, we merged our
energy research department with that of BP. We haven't released any of this to
the press yet, but we're looking for young innovating companies or people to
inject some fresh blood, so to speak, and try to boost this field. If anyone is
interested, please contact the deputy CEO in charge of Research for information
on how to apply.
"Also, we are going to set-up projects with universities in London, all this in
an effort to develop new energies both for cars and electricity production.
Now, here's the crusty information for you guys, we want partnerships with car
companies to promote clean energies. We'll open bids officially in a couple
weeks, but anyone here representing such a company is invited to discuss it
with their board and get back to my deputy CEO in charge of Business ASAP."
The room started to buzz with excitement and I had to raise my voice, "That's
all, now please enjoy yourselves, there's more than enough alcohol to keep us
all happy and the hotel has prepared some delicacies in case you're craving
sugar. Thank you!" I stepped down under the applause, happy with myself. The
energy department would probably have a nice little boost before the end of the
year, and seeing as I was the official owner of the newly merged research
departments, any patterns would be in my company's name. It had taken a long
while to convince BP, but it was certain it'd be well worth it.
I ducked the throngs of people who were lining up to talk to me and swiftly
made my way to get a drink. Once armed with a large glass I'd have to dive into
the swarm of politics... without Edward it all seemed horridly boring and
useless.
I arrived at the large clothed table and one of the servers handed me a glass
of Champagne. I took a long gulp and sighed lowly. A couple people were already
inching not-so-discreetly towards me and trying to catch my eye. I was about to
engage the first one when I heard, "Black!"
I wheeled around; Edward was striding towards me, looking very smart in his
dark green suit. I noticed a few people scowling at my friend, either because
of his less than polite way or because he had dared to engage me first when no
one else had.
I met him half-way and we walked towards an empty corner before saying
anything, "I thought you weren't coming!"
He sighed, "I know, sorry, but to be honest, it wasn't my fault, I was waiting
for –"
"Hey, Ed!"
The Paul character was jogging towards us, getting quite a few looks too;
though he was just as oblivious as Edward. Even though I didn't like the
Latino, it was incredibly refreshing to have those two here because they didn't
care about norms or etiquette - no need for all the hypocritical stuff with
them.
Paul came to stick himself to Edward, an arm around his shoulder, who put an
arm around Paul's shoulders in return, smiling at his partner. A stab of
jealousy pierced my heart and I had to school my features to avoid glaring
openly at Edward's friend. I had quite forgotten the invites mentioned a 'plus
one', but I had also forgotten Edward had someone to 'stand by his side at
social events'.
"Jacob, may I present Paul Lahote. Paul, this is Jacob Black, the host." We
shook hands, although it might as well have been a hand-crushing contest. No
need to mention I lost pitifully and had to hold my hands behind my back to
hide the cradling; I really needed to build up muscle. Paul was wearing a slick
black suit with the tightest white shirt I had ever seen. The black pants
weren't as tight but still hugged him in all the right places. My eyes must
have widened comically when I caught a hint of a collar around Paul's throat.
They were in a D/s relationship?
Jealousy washed over me again, at ten-fold the strength of the first time. I
had to bite back an animal growl; get your hands off of Edward! I took another
good long look at Paul. He was incredibly muscular, arms bulging naturally,
suit straining around the shoulders and his bull's neck, shirt moulding his
impressive pectorals and abs. It was decided; I was going to go to the gym
every day, maybe even twice a day.
"This is great, Jacob, I've had people approach me already! I never come to
this kind of upper class farce, but I must admit I was wrong, it's very good
for business!"
I fixed a pleasant smile on my face, trying to hide my boiling anger. Paul
smirked victoriously and whispered, "I hope the rooms are soundproofed, because
I'm going to be screaming tonight, when this one rams himself into me." Edward
rolled his eyes and mock cuffed Paul on the back of the head.
I managed to mutter, "Well, I hope you have fun," before scampering away, my
hands shaking slightly in rage. Slick bastard! Who the hell did he think he
was? I had half a mind to have Paul thrown out by security! I took another
large gulp of Champaign and some random business man approached me cautiously.
I reeled myself in and switched back to the Jacob Black I had been all those
years, the fake one who pretended to be happy and extremely interested in his
company: the one who wasn't gay, who was in love with his wife and the one who
pretended not to be utterly miserable.
===============================================================================
People seemed to finally have had talked to me to satisfaction. My head was
buzzing and I had been texting Leah a number of times to make sure I didn't
forget important information – one of those texts asked her to find me a good
gym, the one I was going to being rather disappointing.
I needed a minute alone. I made my way to the kitchens which would be empty at
this hour. Only when I was in a deserted corridor did I deliver a hard kick to
the wall and exclaiming, "Fuck it!" I was seething at that Paul guy, and at
myself. How could I fucking fall for Edward of all people? Why, why?
I squared my jaw and stopped halfway to the kitchen; getting angry wouldn't
solve anything, I'd just end up messing something up. I took in a deep breath
and let it out slowly, trying to control myself. Edward seemed to be happy with
his boy-toy, the best I could do was have him there as a friend – nothing more.
Nothing more, nothing more, nothing more. He deserved to be happy, and I
certainly wasn't going to fuck it up for him.
Slightly calmer, I pushed the heavy door, but froze as I heard voices, "That's
right boy, you look absolutely gorgeous like this."
A low moan and "Thank you, sir."
Paul and Edward. What the hell were they doing in the kitchens? I edged forward
slowly, looking around for the two men. What I found had me stunned for a few
seconds. Paul was on all fours on a steel surface, stark naked safe for the
discreet grey collar I had glimpsed at earlier. He was lit by the eerie red of
a heating lamp which hung just above him and was slick with what had to be some
kind of oil, skin shining. Every muscle stood out, shining in the red light.
Damn – 'absolutely gorgeous' was a hell of an understatement! He was facing
away from me at three quarters and something struck me; he looked remarkably
like what I used to look like in my younger years. He had the same short
cropped hair in spikes, under the lamp he had the exact same skin colour as I
did, and although he wasn't as massive as I used to be he still had an
impressive set of muscles. From the distance I could barely make out his cock
which was drawn up against his abs, dripping, although I couldn't tell if it
was oil or precum.
Edward was standing behind him, stark naked too, slowly caressing Paul's rump
as one would a horse. I drank in all of Edward's features, the strong but pale
back that melted into a firm muscular ass and lean legs without the smallest
trace of fat. He turned slightly and I got a view of his front, lean yet
impressively defined pecs and abs, rosy nipples; the pale cock was standing
proudly at attention, a slightly over-average 7 inch yet thick one.
"Spread your cheeks boy." Edward commanded and Paul hurried to obey. I got a
full view of the quivering pink hole which too was slick with oil.
My own cock was already painfully hard and as I adjusted myself through my
pants I had to prevent a long moan from escaping. Fuck, Edward had always had a
skill for the unexpected and a hell of an imagination when it came to sex. God
how I wished I were the one on all fours on that cooking surface, with those
expert hands slowly bringing me apart! The thrill of the public sex... feeling
hot and slick with sweat and oil under the heating lamp; Paul was probably on
cloud nine!
I kept a hand around my cock, very slowly rubbing myself, feeling just a tad
bit voyeuristic – after all, that was one of the risks of public sex, surely
they knew it! Fuck I wanted to strip on the spot and demand to be treated the
same, I was certain Edward could take care of two submissives at once! As long
as I got that pale cock up my ass he could do whatever he wanted to me...
Edward was rubbing his thumb forcefully against Paul's entrance, who was
pushing back and letting out small moans. The finger circle the hole for a
little while before it was sucked into the hole to the first knuckle. Edward
palmed his cock slowly and I couldn't prevent a low whimper from escaping my
lips; I would be naked and on my knees in under a second if he let me. I wanted
to suck that cock, lap at it with my tongue and hear Edward groan in pleasure
as he fisted my short hair and abused my mouth.
I shook myself out of the fantasies and focused on the scene before me. Edward
had two fingers up Paul's ass and was slowly fucking him with them. His other
hand was teasing Paul's cock, stroking slowly. I could remember exactly how it
felt to be in Paul's position, the sensations that slowly become too much,
feeling drowned in pleasure, that exquisite feeling of being able to let go
completely... if only I could put myself in someone's care and hand over all
control like that. Now that I thought about it, I couldn't think of anything
better; lie back, enjoy, no need to think or do anything.
"Sir, please fuck me." Paul drawled when Edward had three fingers up his ass. I
wasn't able to watch any more, I turned back silently and made my way to the
master suite – I really needed some alone time. My cock was steel hard and I
needed to get into the shower badly. I didn't want to watch Edward fuck someone
else; somehow it felt like Bella cheating on me all over again. I knew that I
was wrong but I still wanted him for myself and it stung to know he was happy
with another man.
My mind felt fogged by all the hormones, it was difficult to have coherent
thoughts. All I could feel was jealousy, lust and desire. Lust was all-powerful
though; I had never been able to fight it and was still not able to.
I barged into my bedroom, locked the door behind me and made a bee-line for the
bathroom. I turned the water on in the gigantic shower and stripped quickly,
coming very close to ripping my clothes apart when they wouldn't come off
obediently.
I all but jumped under the hot stream of water when I was finally down to my
boxers, sat down in the five centimetres of hot water and closed my eyes,
letting the stream fall onto my chest and run down. I took myself in hand and
gave one tug stifling a "Fuck!" It had been years since I had needed to jerk
off, God had I forgotten how good it felt... as opposed to Bella, I knew my
body well.
I stroked myself lazily and let images fill my mind.
"That's it Jake, close your eyes and feel my hand on your skin." His voice was
deep and dripping with power just as I remembered it. I moaned lowly as Edward
massaged my oiled back. I was on all fours on that kitchen table, with the red
light overhead heating me up deliciously. There was the reassuring weight of
the heavy black leather collar which was strapped around my throat, but apart
from that I was naked.
His skilled hands made their way down to my ass, gripping the two ass globes
hard and kneading them. I felt him slowly open me up, exposing my hole to the
air. He poured oil onto my back and it trickled down to my ass, slicking my
asshole up for my Dominant.
"Spread your legs for me, Jake." I eagerly obeyed and was rewarded by an oily
hand stroking my hair gently and "Such a good boy for me."
I felt myself approach climax and had to slow down so as to prolong my fantasy.
I planted my legs firmly in the bath and spread my legs, feeling my ass cheeks
part. Water poured down and I inched a hand between my legs, touching myself in
that place which used to have me quivering with need. It was itching to be
opened up, to have a hard cock rammed inside, making the sphincter burn
deliciously as the member hit my sweet spot.
"D'you like that, boy, my fingers slowly opening you up?" His index was firmly
rooted in me and I started fucking myself on it.
He hummed, "Such a needy boy for me. What do you want, Jake?" He drawled,
adding a second finger and pressing them firmly against my prostate, making me
see stars.
"Your cock sir, please give me your cock, I want it so bad!" I begged
shamelessly as I continued fucking myself on his fingers.
One finger was slowly penetrating me, but without any useable lube it was made
difficult. I was also a bit hairy down there, which made the whole process even
more awkward; I swore to start shaving myself again. Still, I pressed on,
desperate to reach my prostate and feel that bliss for the first time in
sixteen years; being filled while having a hard member on the spot that used to
have me delirious with need. I twirled my finger around all I could, but there
were no stars dancing in front of my eyes.
Suddenly I felt thoroughly stupid, alone in the shower of a hotel room
fingering myself. My cock waned rapidly and I was left sitting numbly, hot
water cascading over my chest. I stood up and left the shower, dripping. I
braced my hands on the sink in the bathroom and took a good long look at myself
and I realized my mind was filled with a single, simple question. Why bother?
I was sick of it all. I had been living a hollow life for sixteen years, and
had just had the proof there probably wouldn't be a foreseeable end to it. All
these years, I had been drowning in my own guilt, and now that I had realized
it, I wasn't even sure I wanted to fight to get back to the surface. Why
bother?
It wasn't like I had someone who loved me, who knew me and was there for me. I
didn't have any family left and my wife was a spiteful, cheating creature. The
one true friend I had seemed very happy without me in his life, and if I ever
gave into my feelings it'd just ruin everything for the both of us. What was I
supposed to do? Continue to pretend? Pretend that I loved my friend like a
friend, that I loved my job and wife? Why bother?
My eyes fell on the little orange bottle of prescription sleeping pills I had
gotten a while back. It was full to the brim, seeing as I'd never touched them.
It would be painless and quick... falling asleep never to wake up again. I'd be
able to let it all go, stop fighting. I wouldn't have to turn my life around or
pretend I was happy, or even had been for the last few years. I wouldn't have
to witness the man for whom I was falling for at an alarming speed be happy
with someone that wasn't me.
I was so tired of it all... I didn't see an end to it... and I had been utterly
miserable for longer than I cared to remember. Hand clutching the small bottle
tightly, I backed up to the wall and slid down until I was sitting naked on the
cold tiled floor. Tears had started to trickle down my cheeks.
If I took those pills, who would care, really? Bella would get all my money,
and I felt quite certain she'd be just fine. Edward might be a bit sad, but
he'd have his lover and submissive to cheer him up, and before two months were
up I'd be forgotten. No one cared, really. It'd make headlines in the news for
a couple days; the tabloids would have a field day uprooting my entire life to
offer in sacrifice to the obscenely rabid readers with macabre indecency.
The board would elect a new CEO, and before long nobody would remember the
young Native American who had led them before taking his own life. With one
hand, I popped the bottle open, and the pills in it rattled. I'd just need to
down half of it... I'd fall asleep in under five minutes... I'd be cold and
stiff as a board within two hours...
My heart lurched at the thought of finally being allowed an exit. Oh, how I had
always craved a way out, without even really being consciously aware of it. I
raised the bottle to my mouth, ready to down the contents in a few gulps.
I'd probably be in a body bag before the night was out and incinerated as my
will stipulated, before being spread over the soil above my parents' graves. It
was all so mundane, so pointless, whoever cared?
It was like Edward had said 'Everything seemed so... pointless' I shook my
head, however did he find the strength to carry on? I tipped the bottle into my
waiting mouth, and a few pills dropped in. He had said 'But no, I never
considered it. My best friend Emmett and my parents were there, if anything I
could live for them.'
I froze, mouth now crammed with pills. One swallow and it'd all be over, but a
thought had just occurred to me. Edward hadn't even considered it, and my
grievances paled in comparison with what he had had to live with... his
biological parents abandoning him to die in the forest at age three... being
raped and given up on by the one person who was supposed to support him; and
who knew what else had happened to him over the years?
I shivered all over and stood up abruptly, before spitting all the pills out
down the sink. I raised my eyes to meet my own gaze in the mirror, "You can do
this."
I felt filled with new certainty and purpose. Edward had managed, I would too.
He was there for me as a friend, and if anything, I'd live for that. I could
re-build myself, I could fall in love again, I could be happy. He would support
me, I knew he would.
With a loud snarl, I hurled the bottle with the remaining pill to the mirror,
cracking it. "You can do this." I repeated in a much louder voice. If I fell in
love with Edward, I would simply try to make him fall in love with me again. It
was well worth it, and I was better than I had been, I was more mature; this
time I was strong enough to stand by his side no matter what.
Despite coming very near to committing suicide, I felt strong. I was going to
make this life work. People with a lot more pain and suffering pulled through;
there was no reason why I wouldn't be able to.
"You can do this!" I roared to the cracked mirror.
***** A Fresh Stab at Life *****
9. A fresh stab at life
A week after the events at the hotel, the world was spinning as it used to be.
To be completely honest, it was quite horrifying to realize just how easy it
was for me to return to the routine.
If I thought one could skirt with death and brush the incident off though, I
was wrong. It was stupid how it happened, really; I was at home watching the
news with Bella and they were reporting on some random kid who had committed
suicide after years of bullying.
Up until then, I had been going to the gym every day, going for lunch with
Edward as often as possible – basically doing everything the same; my biggest
worry had been trying to avoid Bella's hungry gaze for the body I was shaping.
When the reporter mentioned that faceless kid like an off-handed comment, it
tore at my heart; this kid I didn't know had been defeated by society. He
probably had similar thoughts to mine; wondering who, really, would care,
wondering what the point was in trying to carry on fighting for life.
I stood up and marched out; it felt like I was going to suffocate in that
pricey uncomfortable living room with the unfaithful wife. I walked out into
the cold October evening air and took a deep breath, sitting down on one of the
uncomfortable garden chairs Bella had bought because they were so trendy.
I had come ridiculously close to committing suicide.
That was a chilling fact to say the least. It wasn't so much the dying part
that was scary, more the thought that I'd felt so miserable I had considered
taking my own life to end the suffering. Surely my life wasn't that bad, right?
It wasn't ideal, I had a lot of guilt weighing me down… but still, I had a
great friend and I was well off.
Truthfully though, I couldn't say any of that was satisfying. No matter how
much I ignored it or pretended otherwise, my heart was yearning for Edward. I
sighed softly. How could I ask him to even consider me? I had wrecked his life
and he had taken on a submissive. Aside from that, I was married for Fuck's
Sake! How could I ever ask him to be with me?
"Jake? Are you OK?" I heard Bella yell from inside.
Heaving a deep sigh I went into the bathroom, "Fine, just taking a bath." I
stripped slowly, taking time to take my reflection in, enjoying the sight that
the full-body mirror was giving me. My abs and pectorals were finally sticking
out, and I could pinch myself all I wanted, there really wasn't much fat left.
I felt a strong surge of pride, something I could barely remember feeling.
Somehow it felt like things were finally going right, despite the fact that I
was stuck in the same situation.
No, I refused to think that things hadn't changed. I wanted out of that fucking
closet, and I wanted to leave my wife to find someone who'd love the real me.
I decided that one thing had changed; my resolve, my take on things. I knew it
would take time, but at least I was determined. Given the recent events, I
thought that was pretty good; someone suicidal really wasn't determined to
carry on with the fight; which meant I was feeling better.
I wanted a hot relaxing bath so I let the water run before closing and locking
the door. It was a habit I had taken after Bella had tried to get into the
shower while I was there, probably hoping for some intimate contact. I took my
boxers off and had another good long look at myself. If I could be proud of
something, it was of my body.
I refused to let Bella so much as see me naked if I could avoid it. I knew very
well that my working out hadn't gone un-noticed, but I was not going to give
her a single reason to get me into bed. My body felt like my very own private
temple, and the last thing I wanted was to share it with her. If I had to be
completely honest, there was only one person with whom I would be willing to
share my body, and that person seemed to be in love with someone else.
It wasn't just my heart that was yearning for Edward. I had started feeling
like a sex-craved demon whenever I was around my ex-lover. I hadn't allowed
anything to happen with Bella for about two months, so my natural urges were
starting to make themselves known. Not only that though, I felt like I was
slowly reverting to my teen libido.
I tried really hard not to lock myself in the bathroom and jerk myself stupid
on the simple memory of his clothed body and crazy fantasies, but twice in the
last week the urge had just become too strong. A few times, I had come very
near to throwing all caution to the wind and asking him to hook up. I didn't
know what to do, and I was getting quite desperate.
The bath was full, so I turned off the tap and sank into the blissfully hot
water. I saw that the handle of the bathroom door turned quietly, but since it
was locked it didn't open. I waited, tensely, to see if Bella would demand I
let her in but after a few minutes it seemed she preferred to pretend she
wasn't aware I had locked the door.
I sourly wished I could wear something marking me as Edward's. If only he would
offer me a collar. Not like the one that stupid Paul character had, but rather
a large, expensive black leather one, with his named printed on it. I shook my
head; one could only wish.
I hadn't given much thought to Edward's… partner. In my most masochistic
moments, I imagined them deeply in love, but the little I knew tended to point
to something else entirely. He was wearing a cheap and uncomfortable metal
collar, Edward had said Paul was someone to show off during events, and he
hadn't seemed that fond of his partner during the party.
Well, they had had sex in the kitchens, and it was probably a regular
occurrence seeing as they couldn't keep it in their pants the time of my get
together. Then again, I felt horribly horny myself, and if I ever ended up with
a nice guy we'd probably end up fucking like rabbits too, so I really shouldn't
comment.
Maybe I could prod carefully to see if Edward could find it in himself to give
me another chance… maybe, just maybe. It seemed almost impossible, but if there
was even only a tiny chance, wasn't it worth it? The years with him remained by
far the best of my life.
And I had matured, I wasn't the same. I felt that if he needed me this time
around, I would be able to stand by his side and help him to deal with whatever
came our way. God only knew he deserved someone like that. I shrugged to
myself, closing my eyes, deciding it was worth a shot; and in any case, the
worst that could happen was that he would say 'no'.
===============================================================================
Well, obviously nothing happened like I had planned. Not that I had really
planned much….
I had just arrived at his office, and we were getting ready to eat the cold
pasta salads I had brought. My insides were squirming slightly and I tapped the
floor nervously with my foot. I didn't know how to make discreet inquiries and
now that it came to it, I was quite certain Edward would see through me like a
glass door.
So while I tried to come up with something clever, we ate, chatting about
mundane subjects. Nonetheless, he was frowning slightly, and I couldn't help
but wonder if he suspected something was up. I bit my lip, he had always had
the talent to read me, and I was probably making my case worse by worrying.
Sure enough, it didn't take long before he asked, "What's up, Jacob? You look
as tense as a coiled string."
I smiled and deflected, "Why don't you call me Jake like everyone who knows me
does? You calling me Jacob makes me feel like we're strangers or something…."
He hadn't called me Jake one single time, no matter how often I had asked him
to. I had tried to come up with explanations, but I couldn't think of a single
one; the most likely being that he didn't really like me, but he wouldn't have
invited me over every day if that were true.
He chuckled, "You look really good by the way, been working out?"
I felt a huge grin spread on my face. Of course he would choose to deflect my
own question with the one subject I was keen to discuss… he hadn't brought it
up so far, and I had wondered if he had noticed at all. It seemed he had.
"Yeah! I thought that it was well overdue. I probably don't look as good as I
used to do when I played football, but, you know..."
He smiled. "Well, you didn't look too bad at all, but damn, I'd say you look at
least as hot! You always had a boyish expression but you look very mature… plus
you used to be almost hairless, which made you look really young, but now…." he
trailed off, shaking his head slightly.
My heart started to hammer at the profusion of praise. I felt my cock stir in
my pants and hormones cloud my judgement somewhat. I stood up and turned around
slowly, commenting, "I still need loads of squats, my ass is still too flabby,
and my thighs could do with some toning, too. I've been lifting weights and
doing hundreds of sit-ups though." Edward was nodding, looking interested.
A crazy idea crossed my mind. I hesitated for a split second; I wasn't sure
Edward would appreciate and it could make our friendship very awkward indeed…
but I was on a high, both proud of Ed's comments and horny. I quickly undid my
shirt and opened it before he could protest. I contracted my abs to make them
pop out nicely.
If Paul was anything to judge by, Edward still had the same taste in tanned
muscular men… maybe his restraint wouldn't hold? I shivered from head to toe at
the thought. I took the shirt off completely and tried to comment unfazed,
"See? I used to have a big belly, probably all the beer." I grinned, but my
lame joke didn't make Edward smile. He was staring at my abs, face annoyingly
neutral. I brought my fists down and contracted both my biceps and pectorals,
growing quite desperate at Edward's lack of reaction. "I just need to get in a
bit more work and I'll have my old body back!" My chest was heaving quickly; I
was still excited, but also worried that I had made a wrong move entirely –
Edward still had not so much as move his little finger.
Slowly, very slowly, he stood up and circled around me, still with the absence
of expression. He stopped in front of me, slightly too close for being just a
friend. Staring at my pectorals, he breathed out in a very hoarse voice, "Yes,
those efforts have paid off, I can't see much more to improve; you look close
to perfect. I mean, you used to have this baby fat around the face but you've
lost all of it. Now you're a real… man."
My cock was hardening at an alarming rate, and hormones were making me
increasingly reckless. I could feel my pupils dilating as I took a small but
confident step forward, bringing me almost chest to chest with Edward. My voice
but a husky whisper, I let out, "Yeah, now I'm a man. I'm getting muscular… all
over."
Edward squared his jaw and took a hesitant step back, backing himself into the
wall. His voice was still very hoarse when he said, "Yes, I can see that."
I couldn't remember him looking so indecisive and… defenceless. I normally
would have hated it, but at that precise moment I wanted to pounce on the
chance. As a submissive, I was a natural bottom, but I wasn't adverse to
topping either; and with Edward looking this frail, my thoughts were running
wild. I could press myself onto him, and force him to feel the body I had
sculpted for him. I could turn his back to me and take him like that, squeezed
between the wall and my hard muscles.
I took a last step forward, and this time we were touching. I was deliberately
brushing his groin with my evident erection, my thighs were pushing into his
and our abdominals were touching. I looked into his eyes and found the black
pupils more dilated than I could ever remember. I felt an instant of
hesitation, I wasn't used to these games anymore; my dirty talk would be
terrible; what could I possibly say now?
I opted for, "Want to see the rest of my body? I've sculpted the bottom part
too…"
Edward's chest heaved, pressing into mine each time he took a deep breath.
Neither of us spoke nor moved for a short time, I was waiting for the green
light.
When it didn't come I inched my head towards his, ready to pluck his pale yet
plump lips into a searing kiss. I was just about to let the animal in me loose
when Edward came to life.
Somehow, he managed to slink around me, grab one of my arms and twist it behind
my back. I found myself shirtless and rammed into the wall, with something very
hard indeed digging into my ass. I gritted my teeth, the pain in my arm
increasing as Edward brought it up using that formidable strength he had always
managed to hide. His free hand stroked my side lightly, making me squirm as his
fingers feathered my ribs on a ticklish spot. I clamped my jaw shut to prevent
any sounds or words from escaping, determined not to show anything. He was
playing with me and I hated to admit it but I relished it; there was nothing I
wanted more than to hand over all control to him.
It was difficult to concentrate on anything. My mind was thickly fogged with a
cloud of lust as Edward the Dominant tamed Jacob the submissive. I could feel
his strength radiating, and it turned me on something terrible. He had
overpowered me with ridiculous ease and deep down everything clicked into
place. He could still control me; he could still be my Dominant as he once had
been.
So many emotions washed over me that it was difficult to distinguish one from
the other. I felt a sense of safety I couldn't even remember feeling as Edward
made a show of his strength. I felt truly safe, like coming home, locking the
door and creeping into a ball in bed. That was it, it felt like coming home.
I felt my resistance wane as I slowly reached those conclusions. This all felt
so right, I had to feel like this again. I had this gut feeling that this was
what I needed, this was the only way I would ever truly be happy. I had to
convince him to take me back, whatever the cost.
"Edward…" I let out through gritted teeth, unable to express anything, unable
to so much as form the coherent thoughts needed to explain what I felt.
I felt his hot breath on my neck as he whispered. "Like this, Jacob? You
shouldn't play with fire; you never know what might happen."
I couldn't keep it inside any longer. I did what I hadn't done in sixteen
years, I begged the Dom who was in complete control, "Please!"
"Please what?"
There were an unfortunate number of things I wanted, but I blurted the most
pressing one, "Fuck me. Please, take me."
"Why?" This time it came as a growl, and he twisted my arm even more, making me
yelp slightly in pain.
"I need it! I'm begging you! I'll do anything you want!" I pleaded, trying to
keep a steady manly voice, but was reduced to whimpering.
"How?" again, a growl that turned me on so much that I started to relieve the
pressure by rubbing myself on the wall.
"Like you fucked Paul!" I barked out before I could stop myself.
The pressure vanished so suddenly I fell flat on my ass. I crashed down from my
sexual high, my cock shrinking rapidly. With a cold voice, Edward said, "So it
was you. I thought I heard the door open…."
I scrambled to my feet and wheeled around, to find him slumped onto the couch,
his neutral mask back on. I wanted to kick myself for slipping up this badly,
but the occasion was too tempting, so I demanded to know, "What is it really
between you two? What does he mean to you?"
He shrugged, looking at me as I sat down on the opposite couch, "He wants to be
my full-time submissive, or house-boy, or whatever, but I won't let him. I
don't have the time, and I'm not really interested. I made it clear it wasn't
an exclusive relationship. It's like I said, I have someone to show off for
events, but that's about it."
Edward was opening up if only a small crack, but I dived into it, "So you don't
love him?" He shook his head and I pressed on, "Does he love you?"
He gave a slight snort, "Nah, he likes being with a famous Dom."
I frowned, "What?"
Edward flashed a crooked smile, "Google 'Dom Edward' and you'll see what I
mean."
I made a mental note to do just that before focusing on the matter at hand. I
gave him a long unblinking stare as I commented in a wavering voice, "You
seemed pretty turned on back there."
The smile melted, replaced by a cold calculating look. After a short pause, he
said in a slightly sneering voice, "Yes, you always did have that effect on me,
didn't you?"
I bit my lip, trying to assert my options. In the end, I was much too tempted
to resist whispering, "When I said I was ready to do anything, I was serious."
I quickly went to sit on the table, facing Edward like he had done a few weeks
back. "Since you don't care for Paul, there's nothing holding you back, is
there?"
His eyebrows shot up. "Except for the fact that we're ex-boyfriends and that
our history could probably fill a whole book you mean?"
I bit my lip again and decided to get daring, "I know you want to." I reached
for his knee with one of my hands, and when he didn't pull back, I stroked it
lightly with my thumb.
He sighed, "Yeah, I do. Unfortunately, I can't promise it won't ruin the
friendship we have going, and I have to admit I've grown quite fond of it.
Besides, there might not be a relationship holding me back, but what about
you?" My heart quivered at his words; maybe he cared for me as much as I cared
for him? Maybe there was a chance for me to be with him after all?
I looked away as I said, "There's no one holding my heart or my loyalty."
Edward pursed his lips at that but didn't say anything for a while.
I kept stroking his knee, cherishing the contact he was allowing… if only he
would let me straddle him, or hug him, or kiss him… but I waited courageously,
aware that I was slowly handing him my heart on a golden platter. I was quite
certain he knew I wanted more than sex, which was confirmed when he said
softly, "I would take you up on your offer if I didn't think I'd hurt you. I
can't offer you more than sex, and we both know you're out for more than that.
You've been trying to get me alone at night for a while now, Jacob, don't think
I haven't noticed. I made the mistake of letting you get near the first time we
went out, and I thought we could do this friend thing, but I'm not so sure any
more."
Could there really be sex without any feelings whatsoever, I wondered? If I
accepted his offer of being friends with benefits, or whatever you wanted to
call it, was I setting myself up for terrible heart-ache? Would I be falling in
love while his heart remained stubbornly closed to my attempts at taming it?
In the end, it didn't really matter because I was first and foremost a horny
man. "I don't care, Ed. Won't you just take me like you used to do? I've been
fantasizing about it ever since I saw you doing it with… him."
"Let's not kid ourselves, Jacob; you know very well we'll both just want to do
it again after that. I've still got the same sex-drive, and it seems you
haven't changed either. Don't make it sound like it'd be a one-time thing to
get me out of your system."
I let my hand move slowly up and down his thigh, enjoying the feel of the warm
and taut skin, under those clothes I so desperately wanted to rip to pieces.
"Why can't we just have a dinner together once and take it from there? I
desperately want to keep you as a friend, you know that, you're the only one I
can really talk to; so if you don't want this, just tell me and I'll back off.
But if you want to have just a little more, like me, please tell me because
this is torture for me." I wasn't able to keep a trace of the plea out of my
voice.
He lifted his hand to my cheek and cupped it gently. I closed my eyes and leant
into the touch, trying to ignore how much I was craving everything, from sex to
contact to love.
"Alright," Edward said slowly, "come to my place; I'll cook us dinner and we
can see what happens. I live at the same place I used to. But Jacob, for me
this is about sex, so please don't expect more or you'll just get hurt."
I opened my eyes, wondering how much of a victory this really was, and
whispered, "Thank you, Ed."
***** A Sudden Transformation *****
10. A Sudden Transformation
Edward hadn't been able to give me an exact date for our night, but I didn't
think he'd change his mind. Granted, it had got me wondering what other plans
he had that made him so busy, but I really preferred not to go there;
particularly after I Googled his name like he suggested.
To be honest, it was the first thing I had done when I got home, powering on my
laptop and searching 'Dom Edward'.
When the results came up, I gasped. There were dozens of pages, all about
Edward in his Dominant role – there was even a bloody Wikipedia page about him!
I clicked onto the first page and was greeted with a large picture of him that
made my mouth salivate. He was looking provocatively into the camera with the
slight sneer he was so good at flashing. His hair was a flaming copper, maybe
dyed for the picture. He was shirtless save for a sleeveless black leather
jacket that gave a magnificent view of his abdominals. His chest was hairless,
except for the hint of a happy trail which disappeared under the very tight
black leather pants he was wearing. He was most probably hard judging by the
size of his groin. The pants hugged his thighs in the sexiest way possible, and
the finishing touches were the large black boots he had, with a pair of small
black leather gloves. Under the article was a small caption:
'This is the only picture of Edward dressed in his Dom attire. It used to
figure on his blog, on which Edward posted tutorials and guides for good
Dominants.'
No need to say the erection that had subsided was back with gusto. I forced
myself to read the article, however.
Though Edward has never starred in any pornographic film, he remains a famous
Dominant in London and New York. Only a couple months ago, Edward carved out a
piece of the lucrative pharmaceutical market. Although his homosexuality will
not come as a surprise to anyone, his sexual inclinations towards BDSM is
something of a secret.
I scrolled down towards the first section after the short introduction,
labelled 'Edward – Gay and Proud.'
He represented his company NeuroAction Labs himself with a few of his
colleagues during the 2013 London Gay Pride. Those who saw him there might
remember his group as one of the loudest and proudest in the Parade – which is
no small compliment. Every year, Edward has supported the organizers by
donating both time and money. He was also spotted at the 2010 New York Pride,
in the company of a Latin man.
My heart sped up, here it was again, Ed's penchant for tanned men… at least I
fit the profile. Then again, he had admitted that I turned him on – what else
did I need? I skipped over the following two sections, labelled 'Younger years'
and 'Education & Employments' jumping to 'Edward, the Dominant'.
Edward, or Dom Edward as his recreational name goes, is a person surrounded by
mist and mysteries. The little that is known is a mixture of rumours and facts
recounted by numerous submissives that have been controlled by his capable
hands. If anything is sure though, it's that Edward is one of the most skilled
known Dominants, although he's also one of the most ruthless. More than one
submissive bit off more than he could chew giving his body to Edward.
All the submissives who went into Edward's care and were tough enough to stay
after the first scene agree to say that he is a caring and loving person behind
the rough Dominant persona he generally displays in the New York S&M club where
he sometimes can be spotted. Although many have hoped to be able to stay on
with him as long-term submissives – or who knows, lovers – Edward never kept
any of them for more than a few months.
The rest is only rumours. It is said the Dominant got his heart broken in his
younger years. Considering his taste for Latin or Native American men, it is
possible the mysterious young man was from either of those origins. Some think
Edward is, to this day, in love with the man from his teens, which would
explain the Dom's reluctance to keep any of the submissives. Some have
postulated that the young man died while in Edward's care although there is
nothing to prove that, except submissives insisting their Dominant bore 'a
heavy guilt and tried to do his best to cope by taking care of lookalikes.'
I didn't move for a long while, pondering on the last paragraph of the article.
I truly did not know how much of it was true, except the 'got his heart broken
in his younger years'. Was Edward feeling guilty? If so, why? He hadn't shown
any guilt to me or in the letters…. Was he still in love with me? It seemed
impossible, the last letters to Billy said he was moving on and getting better.
I shook my head, dismissing the last part as a heap of wrongly founded rumours
that would only torture me further.
===============================================================================
It took a while before Edward invited me over. I waited an eternity for him to
so much as mention our date in the following days. After three days of going
for lunch in his office, I hadn't been able to take the hoping, the waiting and
the disappointment as I left any longer. I had asked him in a would-be
unconcerned voice if he still wanted to hook up. He'd told me that he wasn't
free before the following week, but at least he had given me a date, making the
waiting a lot easier.
In the meantime, I had to skirt around Bella's increasingly insistent attempts
to have sex or weasel a date for my appointing a co-CEO of sorts. The board had
finally gotten over the disastrous handling of Edward's drug, though they were
still grumbling that we should prod to see if any other kind of deal was
possible. The press had used a lot of ink writing about my party, but everyone
was impressed with my attempts for a greener future, so no one found anything
really negative to write; save for the rumour that I disappeared halfway
through the party not to show up again.
I continued with the gym, though I was becoming rather satisfied with my looks,
so I allowed myself to become laxed somewhat. I mean, if I looked good enough
for Edward, that's all that really counted, right?
I shook my head, if one thing was certain; it was that I was falling hard for
my ex-boyfriend. And now I was due to go to his place for dinner and steamy
action, knowing it would all be 'sex without feelings.' Well, I wasn't going to
try and fool anyone, for me it would be sex with feelings. Still, it was better
than nothing, right? And anyway, could there really be sex without any feelings
whatsoever? I didn't think so; or maybe more accurately, I didn't want to
believe so.
I shook myself out of these rather dark thoughts. I had been sincerely looking
forward to doing this, and I was intent on enjoying every single second Edward
would be willing to give me. Well, 'looking forward to' was a hell of an
understatement, my whole body was thrumming with excitement every time I
thought about it, which was quite often. There was one of my body parts in
particular that was even more excited than the rest, but I had promised myself
to leave it be; I wanted to get the full edge of it.
The week went by both horrifyingly quickly and desperately slowly. At times I
caught myself staring at a clock wishing it would speed up by a factor of five
– or ten. At others, I would get caught in a whirlwind of thoughts no matter
how many times I swore not to torture myself like that. What if it was a total
fiasco? What if I didn't please him and he didn't want a repeat performance?
What if I got so nervous that I wouldn't be able to enjoy it?
Simultaneously, I was anxiously awaiting to be on that doorstep, ringing that
bell and stepping into that flat; while on the other hand, I dreaded wearing
the wrong outfit, bringing the wrong gift and leaving that flat with nothing to
look forward to.
===============================================================================
All this brought me to the here and now. I was standing in front of Edward's
house, heart hammering excitedly and pins in my feet urging me on forward.
I didn't press on however; I was well ahead of time and waned to drink
everything in, the memories washing over: the sounds, the sights, and the
feelings. Bella thought that I had left for a business trip and wasn't due to
come home for a couple of days, so she was sorted.
The house was a traditional London one, small shrubbery behind the oily black
metal fence. I opened the small gate and entered the garden; it was well kept
but not remarkable. It was a cold November evening, but I felt no rush to enter
the warmth of the tall house.
Looking up, I noticed stars were veiled, but London lights tended to make them
invisible in the night sky, not to mention the dreadful weather keeping the sky
clouded most of the time. A few cars were steaming behind me at all speeds, but
it was relatively quiet for a Thursday night.
A cold gust of wind made me shiver, and I turned my coat against the elements.
I wasn't dressed particularly warmly as I was going for sexy instead of
practical. I had crammed my thighs and ass into the tightest dark red pants I
could find, and although it made it almost impossible to walk, I sincerely
hoped Edward would enjoy the view – well, I probably wouldn't be able to sit,
but I'd have to worry about that at another moment; no need to say that I had
worn a large pair of sunglasses that prevented anyone from recognizing me.
Under my expensive sleek black coat, I had chosen a dark pink T-shirt, that I
hoped, would highlight my tanned complexion. Granted, it was quite risqué, but
I knew Edward valued that, and besides, I thought that I looked good. I had
also taken quite some time to pick the right pair of shoes, but then I had
remembered that his floor was carpeted, and that he would probably prefer me
going bare-footed, so I had picked a non-descript pair of solid black shoes.
I had also gone through the slightly gruelling task of grooming myself,
something I hadn't done in way too many a year. My chest had always been pretty
smooth, but I had been to a private salon to get all hair ripped away. I also –
yikes – had my ass waxed, and I trimmed my groin as much as possible, leaving
only the happy trail and enough hair to identify me as a man. I was pretty sure
I remembered Edward didn't want his boys to have smooth legs; thank fuck for
that. I had also given my face a very close shave, and otherwise made sure any
details like my hair or teeth were in order.
Just as I slowly walked up to the front door, it opened and a man hurried out,
not sparing a glance for me. I caught the door before it closed and whisked in,
glad I would be able to surprise Edward at the door to his flat. I walked up
the three flights of stairs and rooted myself on his doorstep, swaying slightly
on the balls of my feet, nervousness very nearly paralyzing me.
My eyes travelled to the gifts I had brought; a bottle of red wine and flowers.
I cringed – did guys buy flowers for one another or was that too girly even for
gays? I let out a long breath. Fuck. What if Edward got pissed off because I
treated him like I would treat my wife?
I bit my lip. I also had the exact same lube he had used to take my virginity…
stupid thing, really… he'd never remember. I hoped he wouldn't take it badly to
my bringing lube… What if he had changed his mind and just wanted a cozy dinner
between friends? Or what if he, too, was starting to feel something; wouldn't
he take objection to my wanting to have sex on our first 'date,' if you could
call it that? Or maybe he wouldn't give a damn, he'd just want to bend me over
the table and then send me on my way.
With a shaking hand, I had knocked on the door so hesitantly I wasn't sure he'd
heard it. Maybe I should knock again harder? But I didn't want to come through
as impatient or pissed off… I rubbed the sweat from my forehead… damn, this was
a game for teenagers!
I closed my eyes; why couldn't I just tell him outright what I wanted, what I
had to offer, what the situation was? Why couldn't I simply lay bare the truths
for him to scrutinize? I opened my eyes, a ball in my throat; I was so used to
living in secret, I could scarcely consider living the life I wanted. How could
I possibly tell Edward now that I was married? But what if things were to
progress, wouldn't it be even more difficult? Of course it would! So then I
should-
My mental ministrations were suddenly interrupted when the door flung open. All
thought went out of my head as I slowly took in everything. Edward had the same
white pants on as our first pub-night, with a copper button-up shirt, sleeves
rolled up making him look ready and alert. He had a large smile that made me
grin rather foolishly as I opened my mouth once, but there was no sound coming.
Edward's all-time favourite band, The Cranberries, was playing lowly in the
background, and the flat seemed to be bathing in subdued light.
"Hey!" Edward said warmly yet somehow hesitantly when I only managed to babble
a few words under my breath.
My whole body gave this lurch, I wanted to spring into his arms. I swallowed
and suppressed the urge, before offering a weak, "Hey!" and smiling shyly. I
curled my toes in my shoes, feeling ill at ease; I was well out of practice for
this kind of thing.
Edward seemed to know exactly what was going on in my head, "Relax, you're not
bringing me to graduation. Come on in!" I swallowed again, before taking a deep
breath and entering that flat, for the first time in sixteen years.
It was exactly as I remembered it yet very different at the same time. All the
furnishing had been changed, but there were the same pictures on the walls, the
same carpeted floors, and the same view of London outside the window. My eyes
got very wet indeed when I spotted the table set for two in the large living
room. It was simplistic but beautiful; an old but sturdy looking wooden table
with a simple white tablecloth.
Everything was so diametrically opposed to how I had it at home that it made me
want to move in that very same night. An appetizing aroma was coming from the
kitchen, and I was forcibly reminded of Edward's delicious cooking. There were
two tatty but fluffy couches in the living room, with an ancient low table in-
between. Everything was so like Edward's office that I was ready to bet at
least one of his walls was painted rainbow.
Unless anything had changed, there would still be two bedrooms and bathrooms,
one en-suite. The living room was large, and used both as a dining room and a
drawing room, or whatever that was called nowadays. The kitchen opened on the
living room with a bar, and was also quite large; something Edward appreciated
as he loved spending time cooking.
I toed my shoes off before bending forward and pulling the socks off too; no
doubt it would seem weird as hell, but it was worth it if only for the sublime
feel of the carpeted floor between my curling toes. I shrugged my jacket off
and handed it to Edward who was holding his hand out for it, eyebrows lifted –
either because of the tight pink shirt or because I took my socks off,
difficult to know.
Either way, he didn't comment, simply hung my jacket up and put a strong arm
around my shoulders, "Welcome again to my home, Jacob. I'm sure it's not as
fancy as yours but… it's home."
Considering how I had it, I knew exactly what he meant, "Yeah, I wish my home
were home, too." His arm tightened around my shoulders and I closed my eyes
slowly. I wanted to fix this moment in my memory forever.
"Come on, everything will look a lot brighter after a hot meal and a bottle of
that delicious Cote du Rhone you've brought. I've even prepared blueberry
pancakes for desert. Not exactly your usual dinner date desert, but if I
remember right, it always cheered you up." I opened my eyes, and looked at
Edward, whose head was turned to me. He seemed incredibly sad, but I couldn't
for the life of me figure out why.
I didn't know what to say. How had he remembered that I had told him that one
time a few weeks after we met that mom used to bake blueberry pancakes? How
come he remembered it when even I had forgotten?
I wanted to open myself up to Edward, bare my soul for him to keep or reject
me. I wanted to give myself to him as I had done the first time 'round, let it
all go and trust that he would know; that he would know what was best for me,
that he would be able to take care of me, that he would know me better than I
did myself.
But I just wasn't ready for that, and if anything, I was scared witless of
rejection – what would I have left if he didn't choose to keep me? No, I wanted
to get to know him better; I wanted to have an idea of how he felt about me
before I decided to take the ultimate leap of faith. Because that's what it
was, really, if I did this, I would do things properly and give myself up
entirely to him – after that he would treat me as he saw fit.
"Jake, hungry?" He asked in a soft voice, and I nodded, shaking myself out of
my musings, realizing I must have stared into the void for a while.
"Yes, starving." He steered me by the shoulders to the table and indicated I
should sit down. I couldn't help but noticing with a smile that nothing was
fancy and expensive except everything he needed to cook. The cutlery, plates
and glasses were simple yet elegant. I sat myself down, and again had to notice
the chair wasn't trendy, but it was comfortable and fitted very nicely with the
rest.
"What's got you grinning?" Edward asked, his puzzlingly sad expression melting
into an adoring smile.
I chuckled, "You'll think it's stupid."
His lip quirked, "Try me." He opened the bottle of red I had brought and served
two glasses.
I shrugged, "Nothing here is expensive like back at my place, and even though I
haven't been here in sixteen years it feels like home."
His smile faltered, and there was a pause before he said very seriously, "Come
on, Jacob, you should know better than anyone that money doesn't make you
happy."
"Yeah, it would seem I forgot it somewhere along the way." Just as I said that,
I slapped myself mentally; I had been determined to enjoy this, and bringing up
the past or my grievances wouldn't do. I waved my hand and smiled, "Enough
moaning! How have you been?"
His eyebrows rose a fraction, but he shrugged with one shoulder and said, "Lots
of work, but a four-day weekend, so I'm not about to complain!" He gave me one
of the glasses, "Anyway, cheers, Jacob!"
"Cheers!" I took a sip and just as I'd hoped, the wine was delicious.
Edward made an appreciative humming noise after taking a little gulp himself.
"This'll go perfectly with dinner. I didn't have much time, so I went for
simple I'm afraid." He seemed embarrassed, but I didn't have the time to assure
him it was no problem before he carried on, "It's beef rib and roast
vegetables…."
My mouth salivated at the thought of the home-made dinner, which was something
I hadn't had since… well, since before Dad passed, at the very least. He stood
up and I hurried to follow suit, there was no way I was going to let him do all
the work. "Ed, it's perfect, you have no idea how much I'm craving a simple
home-made dinner."
He rolled his eyes, "You're just saying that to make me feel better."
"No. I'm really not." I said firmly, which made him smile.
Suddenly he frowned, "Sit down; I'll be back with the food."
I simply ignored him and marched to the kitchen, letting him huff in annoyance
behind me. It was eerie, and quite embarrassing, to remember exactly where
everything was… I picked up the oven gloves and gave them to Edward. It made
him chuckle, "Well, you're certainly better trained now than when your dad had
you move here."
I cringed; at the time I had been the worst spoiled brat imaginable. I mumbled,
"I was a real jerk back then."
He chuckled again, "Yeah, even recruited a couple friends to 'teach me a
lesson,' remember? Got your ass handed to you that day… thank God Emmett showed
up."
I felt myself blush; I had forgotten just how much of a dickhead I had been….
To change the subject I asked, "How's Emmett?"
Edward's face closed immediately and answered curtly, "Fine."
I frowned, "What happened?"
He sighed, carrying the beef out, and I picked up a second set of oven gloves
to take the vegetables out. He didn't answer until we were both seated again;
he smiled and simply said, "Nothing important. Tuck in!"
I wasn't convinced, but I knew better than to push. Edward carved the beef
while I served vegetables and it felt horribly domestic; I could get used to
this kind of life much too easily.
We were both awkward and tense at first – considering we had history together,
it wasn't unsurprising. Once we had gotten a couple glasses of red down though,
tongues loosened and we were chatting warmly. Throughout the dinner, I couldn't
shake the feeling that Edward emanated sadness from every pore. Seeing as he
was just as animated as me, I ended up convincing myself that I didn't know him
well any more, that he had changed a lot and that my senses were wrong. In any
case, even if he had been sad, I would have waited to see if he wanted to tell
me about it.
Anyway, during the whole dinner, I was filled by a kind of warmth that I hadn't
felt in years. It was like being alive again, my fingertips were all fuzzy, my
head was devoid of the single negative thought, my mind wasn't wandering, and I
was giddy like a schoolboy.
I found myself eating slowly in an attempt to make it last. Although it still
ended much too quickly; for the first time in a long time, I wasn't left with a
bitter after-taste.
Eventually we stood up and together began doing the dishes. That's when I
spotted Edward's eyes; they were very red. Now that I took closer notice, his
whole face seemed to be scrunched up in pain. Unable to brush off the idea of
him suffering in any kind of pain, I asked in a whisper, "Ed, are you OK?"
I watched closely as he swallowed thickly before drying his eyes with his
forearm. "I'm sorry, it's nothing, didn't have much sleep, I know I look like
an undead." I nodded, though not entirely convinced. My senses crawled;
something was off, but I had no idea what.
"Pancake time!" Edward exclaimed, and as I looked at him again, I wasn't able
to see any trace of sadness. I couldn't help but frown, was he a good actor or
was I seeing things? Still, his enthusiasm was infectious, as he whipped the
dough out from the fridge with a dramatic 'Tada!' I couldn't help but laugh at
his childishness.
He took a small frying pan out and set it to heat up. Meanwhile, he took
blueberries out of the fridges and dropped a handful, before gently mixing them
in. I curled my toes, having a strong desire to stick my hip to his and slither
an arm around his side.
It wasn't long before the first pancake was frying merrily and we had resumed
small talk. As soon as it was cooked Edward offered it to me, and I was too
tempted to do the polite thing and let him have it.
Well, with a little maple syrup it tasted just like it was supposed to, and
although it was a hard trip down memory lane, I loved it. "Ed, it's perfect,
just like I remember." He smiled, obviously pleased, and made ready to cook
another one, but I interrupted him, "Please, let me!"
He grinned, "Sure, go ahead." I eagerly stepped in front of the stove and set
about to prepare a pancake for Edward. I hadn't cooked in ages, and although I
had always been terrible at it, I found it fun and relaxing. I had just about
gotten the dough in the frying pan when I felt a strong, warm hand on my
shoulder blade.
"Jacob, do you know how good you look tonight?" Came Edward's deep voice from
behind me.
I stood perfectly still, simply letting my muscles slacken. His hand travelled
down slowly until his thumb was under my T-shirt, gently stroking the skin
there. His voice was soft when he said, "You should wear tight Ts of this
colour more often, it suits you perfectly."
I nodded, making a mental note to buy up as many dark pink T-shirts as
possible. The hand slid down to my pants' waistband and traced it carefully. I
could feel my cock hardening in my pants as my fantasies slowly became true.
"The pancake is burning, Jacob." I startled and opened my eyes, before hurrying
to turn it. Immediately after that I felt two strong arms around me as Edward
placed himself behind me. I felt his hot breath on my neck, just like that time
when he had pinned me in his office. "Tell me, Jacob, what do you want me to do
to you, exactly?"
I let out a low whine, before breathing out, "Whatever you want, Ed." Seeing as
that wasn't enough, I added, "Please take control, Edward; please don't make me
decide."
I felt his breath hitch and I could only hope that he liked the idea. I did my
best to keep an eye on the pancake despite my state of arousal. He didn't move,
but kept a soft hold around my belly, leaving me to feel the ghost of his body
against my back.
We stayed unmoving until he suddenly stepped back. My head dropped before I was
able to take control of my actions again. The pancake was ready. I awkwardly
let it slide into a plate, my hands shaky. Edward stepped in and turned the
stove off. "Jacob, you're the desert."
I turned to face him, my mind clouded by arousal, and I could not but agree
with him whole-heartedly. His hands went straight for the hem of my T-shirt,
lifting it over my head. I let him trail my abs without moving, relishing the
contact. At that moment I wished he would take complete control, tying me up
and forcing me to endure the pleasure he wanted to inflict upon me. I closed my
eyes, knowing that would never happen.
He continued to touch me reverently, and I did nothing but enjoy it. My chest
was heaving deeply with each breath I took while Edward's strong and determined
hands trailed slowly along my right collar bone, before tracing the outline of
my pectoral. He feathered my nipple with his thumb and my breath hitched,
desire pooling in my groin.
I wanted to strip us both naked and feel his taut muscles controlling me, yet
at the same time I wanted this excruciating pleasure to last forever. He had
barely started, but I was already melting on the inside – How could I ever have
felt satiated with someone like Bella?
"Jacob, open your eyes." I swallowed, feeling his breath on my face, and
obeyed. His face was but inches from mine, and one of his hands was holding my
shoulder in a firm, reassuring grip. His hand moved slowly to my neck and
applied minimal pressure.
My heart was beating so hard it felt like it was trying to escape from my
chest; Edward had to hear it beat! I inched my face closer, tilting slightly.
Edward, who was a little taller than me, lowered his head but a fraction, our
lips nearly touching. I could feel the hot gust of air on my lips when he
breathed, and he must have been feeling my own breath hitch every so often. His
fierce, green eyes were looking determinedly into my brown ones. The hand he
had on the back of my neck moved up to cup my head.
I delicately placed a few fingers on his hip to steady myself, and with a last
searching look, I placed my lips on his. No matter how stereotypic this would
sound, electricity coursed throughout my body when our mouths met. The hand
that was cupping my head gently stroked my hair while applying minimal
pressure.
I opened my mouth to renew the kiss and took a short breath as Edward's second
hand came to rest on my hip bone. My cock was straining uncomfortably in my
pants as he slowly stroked the spot with his index. The hand that was cupping
my head gave a little more pressure.
The sensual moment took on a slightly more animal touch as I felt his tongue
slither past his lips. I opened greedily to deepen our kiss and welcomed his
tongue into my mouth. Our wet organs met, and for the first time in years a
kiss turned me on. There was a tacit agreement to keep the kiss slow and
sensual, but the desire in my limbs was too strong; I ached for him. His finger
was still stroking my hip, but it wasn't nearly enough. I edged forward to
press my body against his. Although the clothes were not a welcome barrier I
could feel his muscles against mine. I started to pant into the kiss.
His tongue pulled back, but he kept the slow kiss going and I wasn't going to
complain. My eyes were closed and I was focusing almost entirely on the feel of
his lips on mine. The hand cupping my head dropped, and before I knew what was
happening, he had a firm grip on both my sides. He took a step forward and I
had to take a step back.
Step after step, Edward backed me up to the spotless kitchen bar. I desperately
tried to let him conduct the dance, but my excitement was reaching peaks it
hadn't visited in eons. Just as I was about to strip Edward, though, he backed
off and grabbed my belt.
Before I knew what was happening, I was naked, underwear pooling around my
legs. "Jesus fuck, Jacob, you're way hotter than I remember." For a long moment
he didn't do more than take in the view he was faced with. My nipples were
erect, but that was the least of it. My cock was erect as well, sticking
proudly out, and my rather heavy balls were hanging under it.
He stayed silent, simply touching my body with reverence as though I were his
precious jewel. I closed my eyes and focused on the feel of the back of his
fingers trailing my taut thighs, inching up towards my hip, caressing my pubic
hair. My hands were hanging loosely by my sides, shaking slightly in an attempt
to retain control over my actions. I shivered as his hand teased my nipple
lightly, stroking back and forth on the hardened nub.
All of a sudden the stimulation stopped, which forced my eyes open. Edward was
staring at me intently. It looked like an internal battle was raging within
him; I had rarely seen him this uncertain and hesitant.
"Ed, please tell me what to do!" I whined when nothing happened, hoping to
sound submissive and desperate instead of clueless and desperate. The magic
moment shattered as he closed and opened his eyes. Again that painful sadness
radiated from him, but this time there was no doubting it. My heart dropped,
and my mind sifted through the forty-seven different ways in which I could have
made a mistake – all this stark naked with my cock standing at attention, hard
as rock.
Just as I gathered the courage to ask if everything was ok – all this still
stark naked and painfully hard – he extended a hand to stroke my cheek, looking
about ready to break down. I swallowed and pleaded at him with my eyes, leaning
into the touch all the while.
Everything changed a second time when he took on a cold look, his eyes
glistening with malice, his face distorted in a sneer. From that moment on I
wasn't entirely comfortable. To be frank, he damned near scared me… which is
why I felt compelled to ask, "Ed, I – I haven't done this in a while… could we…
you know – take it slow?"
He gave a dismissive nod before gripping one of my wrists and spinning me
around, spitting out through clenched teeth, "Turn around and bend over, I want
to take a look at that ass!" I had to remind myself of the blog, which claimed
clear evidence that Edward was a ruthless Dominant. Although I wished to have
him make love to me, I knew he had specifically explained there would be no
feelings involved. I didn't want to call for special treatment either, certain
that would earn me a foot up my ass and to be thrown out the door.
He patted my ass, something between a spanking and an appreciative horse rump-
testing.
"You've always had an incredibly hot ass…." The tone was harsh, somehow
contradicting the words. I focused on his hand touching me, happy to notice my
erection hadn't waned – still, I wasn't overcome with pleasure any longer.
"Spread your legs!" Edward ordered, giving a less than gentle kick to my
ankles, intimating me into opening myself up to him. His hand gave a hard blow
to my ass, before letting fingers explore the cleft. I let my head drop on the
counter, forehead landing with a dull sound. I felt my breath quicken and my
heart rate accelerate as we were inching excruciatingly slowly towards climax.
His deft fingers dug into the cleft, exploring, touching, and prodding. I felt
him change hand, and this time the fingers were slick, though cold. He rubbed
two fingers insistently against my hole, making me involuntarily arch my back
in pleasure. I closed my eyes and let my muscles go lax, determined to enjoy
whatever bone was thrown my way.
The cold sneering voice harshly pulled me out of my dreams, though. "I really
hope you're clean inside and out." The implications made me wince, even going
so far as making my erection wane. That was the exact moment Edward chose to
spear me not so gently with the two fingers, making me wince a second time –
all my muscles seizing up in shock. The timing was horribly off, but I was able
to take it all in stride, and soon I was entirely focused on the two fingers
that were roughly stretching me, thrusting in and out without any hint of
gentleness.
This really wasn't how I had pictured the breaking-in, so to speak. I had
imagined a soft bed, not a hard counter, a gentle Edward, not a rough Dom, and
the startling sight of his naked body, not the view of the living room I knew
so well. To be perfectly honest, it was difficult to stay excited feeling like
a cheap whore. I craned my neck back, hoping Edward had at least taken his T-
shirt off, but I was only rewarded with his fully clothed body and a hard slap
on my ass, "Stay down and be a good little bitch."
My head fell down automatically, even before I could realize exactly what he
had said. Unfortunately, when I did realize, there was nothing else I could do
but frown; I was going to get fucked and I wasn't going to screw my chances. I
had a very clear memory of seeing stars, so blissful it was, and I certainly
wasn't going to pass up on that – even if I felt Edward might not make it that
good, for a reason I didn't want to know.
At some point he added a third finger in me, but it was barely more than a dull
burn. I could almost feel the bitter disappointment when he suddenly pressed
all fingers on that one spot in me, making me curse, "Fucking Hell!"
Even Edward's snarled, "Such a slut" wasn't able to distract me from the heavy
panting I was doing after that single pressure on my prostate.
Before the fingers had the chance of making me erupt in curses again, Edward
pulled them out, and I soon felt the blunt mushroom head of his cock pressing
against my hole. I hoped to God it was my inexperience that made me feel like I
wasn't nearly stretched enough. He knew what he was doing… right?
I breathed out, but before I could relax entirely he was pressing in, firmly
but slowly. My breathing picked up which did nothing to help me relax. I whined
when his cock made my muscles burn painfully. "Take it like a man, Jacob, and
quit your whining." Came the cold answer.
After that he was anything but gentle. He had barely stopped pressing in before
he pulled out and gave a forceful thrust, making me bite my cheek in pain. I
tried breathing deeply, but each of his brutal thrusts had me gasping for air.
Fortunately the pain dulled quickly, and a tiny adjustment in my position had
Edward ramming his cock into my prostate, transforming the whole experience.
Suddenly my own cock went from a shy semi to a raging hard-on. I badly wanted
to jerk myself off, but I wasn't sure how Edward would take it; so I decided to
enjoy the moment.
That was working fine until he slapped my ass the hardest yet and snapped,
"Arch your back and make those ass-muscles work, little boy, I'm really not
impressed by your performance!" The fact that he said something so long while
fucking me was proof enough I wasn't performing.
I moved slowly, pushing my lower back down, but before I could raise my head,
Edward grabbed my hair and pulled it back hard. My breathing became laboured,
and swallowing was difficult. With difficulty, I tried to clamp my ass on his
cock, but I had completely forgotten how to work those muscles.
His thrusts were slowing down, and it was obvious enough that Edward wasn't
pleased. In a last desperate attempt, I tried to think of some dirty talk to
get him going. Unfortunately there wasn't anything I could remember, and I was
so tense and worried that I couldn't just let myself go and get spontaneous. I
couldn't blurt out anything because I wasn't caught up in the moment!
I had thought about everything Bella used to say, aware that it wouldn't be
perfect, but desperate times called for desperate measures. It was in that
spirit that I spluttered awkwardly, feeling myself blush horribly, "Oh fuck me,
thrust in that man-pussy and cream it!"
A few things happened at once, I felt how wrong the words were as soon as they
left my mouth, my cock shrunk, and to my horror, so did Edward's. He pulled out
of me and exploded, "WHERE THE BLOODY HELL DID THAT COME FROM?!"
I recoiled at the disgusted tone in his voice, but stayed slumped on the
counter, feeling defeated. There was an unbearably long silence, before I heard
him again, voice dripping with venom, "I feel dirty, I'm going to take a
shower. Feel free to leave in my absence; you're a pitiful excuse for a man,
Black."
I didn't move, even long after he'd strode off to the bathroom. I blinked ever
so often, trying to keep my eyes from getting too watery. This was an
unqualified disaster, and again I was overtaken by that horrible and all-
powerful idea that fighting wasn't worth it.
Thankfully it didn't last, my mind quickly turned to the sensation of Edward's
hand stroking my cheek, gently exploring my chest, and above all, that sweet
kiss of which only dreams were made of.
No matter how badly I had messed up, I needed to have that again, and I wasn't
going down without a fight. Empowered with new purpose, I picked my clothes up
and put them on quickly, before going to stand awkwardly beside the kitchen
table.
I had no idea what had gone through my mind to say what I had said. Thinking
back on it, I really wasn't surprised Edward had felt dirty; I felt it too. And
how the hell could that turn me on when Bella said it? What the hell was wrong
with me?
I nervously brushed my hair, making sure it wasn't standing at ends. I started
tapping the table with my nails, anxious for Edward to reappear and conscious I
had nothing to say all the same. And what was up with him? He had been all
sweet, everything had been perfect, and then he had turned into a demanding
client with a cheap whore! How was I supposed to feel?
And why, why that sadness?
I waited for what felt like an eternity before Edward reappeared, hair wet and
shirtless, looking very disgruntled. I jumped on the occasion, "Edward, look, I
–"
He cut me off with an impatient gesture of the hand and grumbled, "Save it for
someone who cares. I'm deactivating your pass to NA, now please clear off,
you're bothering me." He sat himself down on a couch, facing away from me.
I swallowed, despair quickly mounting, but still unwilling to depart just like
that, "Please just listen, I don't know where that came from, I'm sorry,
please, could –"
"We both know perfectly well where that came from, your wife." He cut me off,
snorting.
My heart missed a beat, and I remembered to babble unconvincingly just in time
"Wha-what? I – I don't know what you're talking about, I-" He rounded on me so
quickly that I lost all train of thought.
He marched straight to me and I backed off but he backed me into a wall,
looking more menacing than ever. He repeated very slowly, daring me to deny, "I
said, we both know perfectly well where that came from, your wife."
I swallowed thickly and countered, voice shaking, "Look, I don't have a –" His
hand was on my throat so fast I didn't see it move, and I found myself
spluttering for breath. Edward's vice-like hand felt like it was made of steel,
and any attempts to push him away were ridiculously fruitless. He wasn't
exactly choking me, but he certainly had me pinned there.
"Now, while you're just there gasping for air, you might as well listen. I have
known you were married ever since your dear father invited me to the wedding,
and I spotted your wedding ring at our first meeting." He shook his head,
smirking, before adding, "You should know better than to lie to me, pathetic
little boy. Now tell me, how exactly does it feel, cheating on your wife?"
I felt something trickle down my cheeks, which is how I found out I was crying.
This was nothing like the Edward I remembered, this one had a cruel glint in
the eye, this one scared me half to death – I really wasn't sure I wanted to
stay anywhere near him any longer.
For no apparent reason he blinked, and the smirk vanished. He squared his jaw
and swallowed before releasing me. I fell pitifully to the ground, holding my
smarting throat silent tears still streaming down. I coughed a few times,
trying to make as little sound as possible.
It was like my whole inside was crumbling. I had come in nervous but determined
and confident, and I would leave, crushed, my world tumbling down around me.
Edward had taken all my schemes and turned them all on themselves, making chaos
out of order.
I looked up, and he was sitting on that couch again, back straight as an arrow,
probably simply waiting for the annoying hook up to clear off.
When I had first brushed with him, seventeen years ago, he had toppled my
world... now was no different.
I brushed my tears off sloppily and stood up, before making a last attempt,
trying to salvage what I could, "Edward, you mean the world to me, does my
foolishness have to ruin everything?"
I saw him square his jaw from behind, and inched towards him, desperate to see
his face. My hands were clutched together; my heart was in my mouth. I had
thought that the worst would be his rejecting me; how had I not realized how
much I was staking by asking for a hook-up? Why did I always think of these
kinds of things too late? Why was I so darned stupid?
"I'm sorry, Jacob, but I can't see you anymore." Was it me or was his voice
shaking? There was a definite tremor when he added, "Please leave."
"Ed, I'm sorry, I know I messed up, but please –" I could not finish my plea
when I saw that he was crying. His jaw was squared determinedly, his eyes were
closed tightly shut, and there were tears ravaging that beautiful face I loved
so much.
"Ed, what's happening, please, talk to me!" I exclaimed as soon as I was able
to speak again.
He jumped off of the couch, startling me and roared, voice shaking with
uncontained fury, "FOR THE LAST TIME, GET OUT OF MY SIGHT!"
Giving up, I scampered out of there, and closed the door on the one person whom
I knew I couldn't live without. Tears streaming down my face again, I realized
that I probably would have to try anyway.
Please drop_by_the_archive_and_comment to let the author know if you enjoyed
their work!
